


Scars to Your Beautiful

by SilentSiren



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Rizzles, Romance, have my feels, then an apocalypse happened so this got an update, this is what happens when finals are around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-05-14 19:25:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14775758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentSiren/pseuds/SilentSiren
Summary: The last twenty-four hours have been traumatic, Maura is reeling,  Jane is paranoid, guilt ridden, and unsure of Maura's intentions. With an unknown assailant after Jane leaving trails of bodies with hidden clues in them, it stirs up hidden emotions and more than skeletons come falling out of the closet.A healing piece starting the end of 6x13 (major spoilers) with a rizzles spin bc I was disappointed there was little aftermath.





	1. Dangerous

**Author's Note:**

> So, as per usual for me when it comes to writing these days, I had a bad week and that latched onto these lovely two ladies.  
> Any mistakes are mine.

Jane is pissed. Her lips are pressed together resolutely and her face hard, body tight and weapon ready as she and Korsak move through the dull tunnels. There is a mustiness that accompanies the dust their torches highlight and the bright red smear on the wall draws their attention immediately against the dreary surroundings they find themselves in.

“Fresh.” Korsak whispers and the sight cuts through Jane’s defences. They look at each other for a moment before continuing and the Sargent can see Jane’s distress below her anger. He knows if they find the blood belongs to Maura that Jane won’t forgive herself if the worst should have come to pass. As they move together in silence he points out the trail and keeps an eye on his partner’s reactions, cataloguing her rising concern until they both hear a noise up ahead and it draws their full attention.

With no immediate threat charging at them they look at each other again and turn off their torches so as not to give away their position before they know who is ahead of them. Jane silently counts off, nodding her head and in unison they round the next corner with their weapons drawn.

It’s Maura. Her pupils constrict with the sudden light shone on her face and brandishes her improvised knife, blinded eyes wild with panic and the instinctual desire to protect herself. It is not until both detectives lower their torches and Jane lets out a concerned and relieved, “ _Maura!_ ” that the doctor starts to recognize who is in front of her and the animalistic fear etched into her features eases slightly.

“Oh god, Jane.” Maura says to herself, her mind still in survival mode as she looks between the figures above her to confirm the words she has just said.

“Are you alright?” Jane asks, her heart breaking at the sight of her best friend so fearful and panic-stricken. If Maura hadn’t been preoccupied with trying to calm herself down, rationalize, and convey the important information of her situation she would have picked up on Jane’s tone; barely controlled and thick with the emotion she was fighting to keep inside until she was in a safe place to let it all out.

Crouching down to Maura’s height so she isn’t perceived as a threat, Jane takes away the blade that her friend has forgotten she’s still holding in front of her as her mind races but still finds time to reassure her best friend. “The blood, it isn’t mine.” Maura looks down at her shaking hands and tries not to replay the sensation of slashing Harris’s soft throat or the way it caught slightly against his oesophagus.

“You know where he is?” Korsak whispers and Maura looks up at him in fright, having forgotten in those few seconds that he was there in the wake of seeing Jane.

“No,” Maura replies, “no, I just, I ran, I ran.” She is breathing too quickly to get out full sentences or even think in a coherent manner but her words continue regardless, needing to talk and to get everything out that is threatening to overwhelm her further, “I was hiding, I couldn’t-I couldn’t figure out how to get out of here-”

A gunshot makes both women jump and cuts Maura’s traumatized rambling off.

_Frankie._

Jane flinches the second time too and the panic from earlier is back but with a new target in mind. Korsak knows that standing between a Rizzoli and their family in danger never ends well so he offers to take Maura back to safety with him, “You go, I’ll take her out of here.”

“Jane,” Maura pulls her attention by tugging on her hands. “Be careful,” she begs, “He isn’t working alone.”

Jane nods, “Okay,” she promises, “Okay.”

Together they stand up and Korsak asks, “Can you walk?”

Maura’s reply is shaky, “Yeah, yeah.”

The second she is on her feet and in Korsak's hands Jane is off in the other direction, hearing her superior reassure the doctor that she is okay now and she’s safe. Jane moves as quickly as she dares while still double checking each turn before committing to it, she knows that she will not be of any help to Frankie or Maura if she gets herself shot down here. When she spots an out of place light in one of the halls she doesn’t just double check, she triple checks; poking her head out and then pulling back to catch a glimpse of what’s ahead without risking her life.

The tunnel ahead has partially collapsed and a man lies in the midst of it, but it’s not Harris.

“Frankie!” Jane calls but still manages to keep her voice to a whisper despite her panic for her brother’s life, “Oh God.” She worries in the second he doesn’t respond or move and she runs over to him, “Are you alright?” She asks, reaching him and the pile of rubble he lies in, climbing over him to see what she can do to help as she holsters her weapon.

“Ooof, oh, I’m fine,” Frankie tries to sit up but Jane keeps him down with one hand. He avoids his sister’s gaze, knowing the hurt and worry he will find on his older sibling’s face if he looks at her directly. It doesn’t stop Jane from looking him over quickly, swiping rubble off his vest and checking his head for bumps or cuts as he speaks, “I fired off a shot, he shot back, it hit the wall and this stuff fell on me… Knocked my head a bit.” He admits at the end and looks up to Jane. He was right about the worry but doesn’t get time to analyses her expression further because a crash further down the tunnel pulls their gaze and Jane’s light. “Yeah, he went off to the right, I think I heard him go up some stairs.”

“Okay,” Jane acknowledges but has turned her attention back to her injured little brother, trying not to create a mental tally of the number of people this bastard has hurt.

“II-I’m fine, go” Frankie urges, but Jane hesitates, “Go.” He says again, his voice gaining strengthening and this time Jane trusts him and his judgement and moves over him, redrawing her weapon without another word.

Jane glances at the sign on the door she comes across: “WEST ANNEX FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE ONLY” and despite the circumstances manages to find the humour in the wing she is about to enter while chasing down this nut job. Beyond the door is the stairs Frankie mentioned hearing and as Jane rises up them so does her concern for the family members she has left behind her that are now out of communication.

Mind clouding emotions are shoved aside in an instant when Harris appears ahead of her and fires in her direction. Cursing, Jane ducks and the anger that she felt earlier comes screaming back, fuelling her senses and heating her body. She takes a second to listen from behind cover before leaning out to one side, one hand holding her against the wall so she won’t have to reveal so much of herself but the criminal doctor isn’t there anymore. Her nostrils flare in anger as she quietly seethes and returns her right hand back to the gun for more stability, resuming the chase methodically.  

It does not take her long to re-find Harris since he uncaringly rolls open a heavy metal door, announcing his presence to anyone on the floor. He staggers out and Jane finally gets a look at the blood covering him, charging forward she vows that the only way this man is escaping today is over her dead body. She pulls the radio from her belt and alerts the rest of the team of their position so they can cover the exits, “West annex roof fire escape!” she calls before he fires at her again and she drops the radio in her haste to get to cover.

Jane can feel her hot pulse stampeding as she fires back, her shot landing its mark but it does not satisfy her in the slightest and she burns with a heady mix of unbridled anger and anxiety about the safety of her loved ones. She runs around to get to his body but falters when she finds he is still standing.

Jane cannot see the officer at the entrance Harris had just come through but she hears him call out, “Drop it!”

It’s the only distraction she needs and as the once respected doctor switches his gaze and aim to the unseen officer, Jane fires again without hesitation. If you asked Jane what her motivations where behind this action she’d have said she was protecting the officer and while that was part of the reason, in truth she was itching for a reason to shoot Harris. When he falls, Jane takes a deep breath but it is not over yet, she needs this man alive to give her the answers as to who is orchestrating this whole fiasco and why they are targeting her.

Jane sprints around where Harris has fallen, yelling to the stunned officer to get EMTs to her immediately, she charges over Harris. “Don’t you move!” She orders, the words pulling her vocal cords harshly as she stands over him, weapon still pointed down at him. His throat gurgles and Jane knows that he won’t live long. This simple fact sets her already volatile emotions into a war with each other; raw rage, unkempt uncertainty, a burning need to know _why_ , “Who are you working for Harris?” He doesn’t answer her as he continues to pull in wet breathes and Jane lets her emotions override her usual controlled manner. “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?” She breathes hard and her frustration mounts with each second that he remains silent while his life slips away. Her anger starts to shift as she realizes he isn’t going to tell her anything, “You don’t even know me!” desperation tries to set in, “Why me?” she almost whispers but gets a hold of herself, refusing to let this man see her pain. Jane kneels to move the gun closer to his face and she tries asking the same question again because it is ultimately even more important to her than knowing who has done this to her, “Why me?” Jane grits out again, letting him see the rage inside her.

Harris struggles to speak, his breath catching on the first syllable a few times before he manages to get out, “Why not?” and almost laughs on his last breath.

The answer cuts deeper than any bullet she had ever taken because the only thing worse than being targeted like this, is being a target for no goddamn reason at all. Senseless. Random. Because ‘why not’? She wants to shoot him again but what good will do to shoot a corpse? Jane stands with frustration as they are put right back at square one, her chest heaving as adrenaline continues to course through her. She runs her nails across her tied back hair and holsters her weapon with far more force than would ever be considered necessary.

The officer behind her calls to her before he puts a hand on her shoulder hesitantly, “Detective?” Jane looks at him, burning with hate and confusion but he holds his ground asking, “Are you alright?”

Jane takes a couple of deliberate breaths to calm her respiration, knowing it will not do anything for her mood and turning away from Harris’s body, “No.” She answers honestly and starts towards the edge of the roof with long and purposeful strides.

“Uh, Detective?” The officer calls to her again, breaking into a jog to keep up with her.

Jane looks over her shoulder but does not halt her pace, “What?” She asks, her fuming temper escaping through her voice. She catches the concerned look on her face and regrets having snapped at him, the thought occurring to her that perhaps something is wrong or he is somehow injured and she changes her tact immediately and halts in her tracks, “Are you okay?”

“Um,” He seems to pause for a moment to think about the answer and it makes Jane pause too, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine but what are you doing?”

“Express elevator down,” Jane points and then catches the officer’s immediate panic, mistaking her answer for a confession of intent to suicide. She doesn’t have the capacity now to gently reassure him of his mistake and her mental state, she has to get back to Maura and Frankie and find out their condition. “Ladder.” Jane points again and slaps the officer’s shoulder, resuming her quick pace to the fire escape she can see, checking it does go all the way down before swinging herself over the side of the building and beginning the descent.

It’s fine at first but the stress of the day starts to creep up to her with the imminent threat gone and with nowhere to go it vibrates inside of her and Jane’s arms start to shake. She pauses on the ladder, shaking an arm down at her side attempting to get it to behave to her desires, and a little surprised to find the task so taxing.

“Jane?” She hears Korsak call from below her but refuses to look down to him on the ground.

“Yeah, coming.” Jane gets out, wishing her voice did not shake as much as her arms and she forces herself to keep a steady downwards pace. Her eyes follow each movement of her feet and hands, constantly flicking between them and hoping that the Sargent below cannot see how her body trembles with the exertion and stress of the day. On the last rung Korsak reaches out to help her balance, catching her as she reaches solid ground again, “I got it,” Jane mumbles, moving to stand on her own and immediately looking around for Maura and Frankie. “Harris is dead. He’s dead and we’re back to square one.” She looks down in frustration, hands on her hips and sighing.

Korsak has a more important question for her before talking about Harris, “Are you okay Jane?”

“Hm?” She looks back at him, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Where are Maura and Frankie? Are they okay?”

“They’re fine; they’re with EMT’s now around the other side of the building. I’ll take you to them.”

Jane nods, “He wouldn’t tell me who he was working with,” she relayed, “he wouldn’t even give me a _reason_ for all this, he just said ‘why not?’.”

Korsak puts a comforting hand on her shoulder as they walk, “We’ll get this guy Jane.” It’s all he can say at this time, all too aware of the lack of leads in their case with Harris gone.

“Will we?” Jane asks, her uncertainty breaking down the mask of anger and exhaustion, “Before or after he manages to kill someone I love? What if next time it _is_ Ma, because she can’t defend herself like Maura did, what if-”

“Jane.” Korsak stops her, and turns her around. He knows what the Rizzoli family is like when it comes to controlling their fears and dealing with raw emotion but he also knows that Jane _can_ be level headed even in the face of that, “If we have to put Maura and your family into protective custody then I’ll do that, I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you all. You know that right?”

Jane wrings her hands in front of her because _oh boy_ does she know after the week she has just had; she knows _exactly_ how far the Sargent will go to keep her safe. The memories flash through her mind; the bodyguard constantly telling her to get away from the windows before he drags her back, Maura’s worried looks across Skype and pacing of her office, Nina and Frankie working triple overtime and running solely on caffeine and sugar to keep them awake, officers physically holding her back as she tries to explain that the time on the watch isn’t a time of death. Jane’s grateful for the effort everyone has put into protecting her around the clock and for putting up with her swinging moods but it does not stop her fears. “I know,” she responds hoarsely, doing her best to reign in everything that threatens to overwhelm her and make her cry in front of her friend and boss. Jane nods, “I know. You’re doing everything you can.”

“So are you,” Korsak reminds gently and prompts her to start walking, they’re not far from the corner and he keeps a keen eye on her to gauge her current state, but once they reach the corner and Jane spots Maura sitting on the edge of an ambulance, she’s off breaking into a jog to reach her.

Jane does not slow down as she approaches and crashes right into the doctor with a tight hug, bracing them both and holding them up before they can topple backwards into the van. The impact comes as a shock to Maura who is now being held up exclusively by the detective, causing a delay before she weakly returns the hug, breathing her name passed her ear in tender relief, “Jane.” Maura closes her eyes as a soothing cold sweep of goose bumps spread down her body despite the heat of her friend’s body above and around her. She knows she should not use this time to indulge in catching Jane’s natural scent but she does not have the willpower to fight the urge after the day she had. Therefore, she breathes in carefully. It’s calculated, like most of her actions, to allow her to find that unique smell that is Jane Rizzoli underneath the fear and sweat that coat her skin, and so as not to alert Jane. She has a trained nose as she has said a few times in the past and is grateful on this occasion for it allowing her this moment to find calm through her love for her best friend.

Just as Maura starts to calm, Jane is pulling back, hands still on her arms as she looks over her for wounds, “Are you alright?” She asks with concern dripping from her voice as much from her body. She looks to the EMT hovering nearby them, “How is she?” She asks, not sure which answer she wants to hear first or most.

“Surface abrasions, single facial hematoma,” Maura speaks first and Jane nods, giving a small ‘okay’ in response and then looking to the EMT for an unbiased opinion.

“What she said,” The EMT replies, her name tag reading “BAKER” in capital letters over her right breast pocket, “But we’re taking her to General for a full workup.”

Jane nods, gives a couple ‘okay’s as her mind races through the things she wants to say, needs to hear and does not want to feel. She turns back to what is most important, “Did he hurt you?” she asks, unable to keep the raw emotion out of her voice as she looks down at her best friend and tries to hold herself together.

Maura shakes her head to avoiding having to speak for a few seconds, “He just wanted to scare me.” The calm that had started to settle skitters away again and she doesn’t dare speak above a whisper for fear she’ll start crying in front of everyone, but she knows the wobbling of her jaw gives her torment away to Jane. However, if it’s only Jane who sees it then she doesn’t mind so much, for Jane she’ll gladly bare her soul.

Jane does her best to reassure her, “He’s dead, okay? You don’t have to worry about him anymore.” She stops there, her own voice on the edge of cracking too and there is a brief momentary pause between them as they both try to collect themselves.

Maura wants nothing more than to end the conversation there and have the strong detective hold her again but she needs Jane to know, “I heard him on the phone, he wasn’t working alone.” She sees Jane piecing together what she’s saying but she gives her the conclusion anyway, “This isn’t over.” It’s as much warning her as it is admitting to her fears and she finds the sentence much harder to say than she had originally anticipated. Maura had hoped too that this was indeed, over and the thought of it dragging on weighed heavily on her.

Jane tries to be strong, “It is for now.” Nevertheless, it does not hold up against Maura next question.

“What did he want?” she asks, near tears and needing to know for what reason this had happened to her, needing to find some logic and sense in order to scientifically rationalize everything she is going through.

Jane shrugs and it threatens to tip Maura over the edge, “It doesn’t matter.” It is not the answer she wants to hear but the strain in Jane’s voice hurts her more than the words do, “He’s dead, and you’re safe.” Jane’s throat is raw with checked hurt but thankful that her eyes have stayed clear for now. “Okay?” She asks uncertainly, very aware of the thick emotion swimming between them but unable to pin down defining words for them. It is the best she can do at this time to reassure Maura, beyond mentioning they might stick a security detail on her for the foreseeable future until the ringleader is caught. Maura nods her understanding and Jane continues, finding a need to put some distance between them for a little while so she can compose herself, “I-I’ll come straight to the hospital as soon as I wrap up here, alright?” she starts to pull away and leave. There is a part of Maura that understands Jane’s desire to retreat when she gets emotional, comprehending that she does not want anyone to see that all too human side of her, but Maura’s own need overrides her rational side to let Jane do what she needs to do.

“Jane.” Maura calls back, broken and reaching out for her. She is not ready to leave her yet, not ready to be alone with her thoughts which are a confusing mix of replaying the events of the day and the desire to hold Jane close again. Jane has protected her so many times already; surely, she can protect her from this too?

“Yeah?” Jane steps back to her immediately, catching the despondent look in her eyes and watching the hopeless look on her features morph into a representation of an internal battle that the detective cannot identify the root cause of. Just as she’s about to crouch down and ask her what’s wrong, Maura launches up at her with cold hands on either side of her face and kisses her with all the fear, love, hope and loss of that battle inside that is wearing her down. It is desperate and she needs this to hold onto, to try and find something good in the world on this bleak day, to feel loved, wanted, desired, cared for and protected. Who better to give that to her than Jane Rizzoli?

It’s out of instinct that Jane kisses Maura back but the warm lick of surprised enjoyment calls her back to stunned reality and she pulls away with even more questions running through her crowded mind that she can’t process the waiting look on Maura’s face.

“Um,” Jane says dumbly, entirely at a loss as to what to do or say. “I’ll see you at the hospital.” She hastily replies before her brain can even think the words and then turns away, looking quickly around to see the reactions of the people around her and missing the silent shake of Maura’s shoulders as she ducks her head from the view of her peers. Korsak is busy flipping through pages of his notebook, Frankie is looking steadfast in the opposite direction at the second ambulance, the uniforms are having their own private little meeting and the EMT is trying to be discreet at not listening in to their conversation. Not a single one of them will meet her gaze.

_They all saw it._

“Shit.” Jane mumbles to the ground before turning to Korsak first, “We need uniforms outside of her room 24/7.”

“It’s already taken care of,” He responds and Jane is grateful that he doesn’t bring up the kiss although the shock is still evident on his face. She wonders if that is reflected in hers too.

“Someone is really pissed off at me.” Jane comments to keep the silence from settling in.

“We knew that yesterday.” Korsak remarks, trying to lift the detective’s mood with a little humour, “Doesn’t really narrow it down.” Jane looks at him, appreciating his attempt at normalcy all things considered, but is not in the mood for it, “Go check on your brother,” Korsak advises and then turns to sit on the hood of the car, resuming his previous notebook flicking while he waits for her to return.

Jane makes her way over to her brother, “Hey,” she says gently, her mind scrambling back and forth between Harris and Maura like a fragmented hard drive working overtime to piece everything together.

“Hey.” Frankie responds, almost cheerfully as he holds an ice pack to the back of his head and smirks at her, “So, you and Maura huh?”

Jane slaps his arm, mildly irritated, “Shut up!” she does not want to hear about it right now.

Frankie laughs, “I guess it makes sense now why you didn’t want me to date her, you were jealous.”

“Nooo!” Jane immediately defends, hands sitting on her belt reflexively, “I was not! I just-”

“You don’t have to defend yourselves to me; I think you’re pretty cute together.”

“CUTE?” Jane yells but then pulls her volume down immediately afterwards, not wishing to draw any more attention to herself this afternoon, “Oh no. I am not ‘cute’ I am a badass,” Jane points to herself, “and Maura is not ‘cute’ she’s-”

“Beautiful?” Frankie helps.

“Yes. But it’s not what you’re thinking, I was going to say a certified genius and we are not cute!”

“So how long have you two-?”

“We’re not! We don’t- we aren’t…” Jane tries to explain in a huff. “It’s not like that and you know it.”

“Uh-huh. Okay well, I think you should go for it.”

“You think so?” Jane asks before she can stop herself and figure out of why she is protesting in the first place.

Frankie nods, “Yeah, I mean, who knows her better than you? You’re her best friend, you’re always there for her, you understand her, you don’t judge her, she’s already met Ma and Ma _adores_ her.”

“Yeah, exactly, I’m her best friend. FRIEND. We’re friends Frankie, that’s all.” She starts to lean forward threateningly and Frankie instinctively leans back, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Okay okay, you’re just friends! You can fight with me all day but I’m only trying to help you two. You don’t have to admit it to me but at least listen to yourself, is that how you really feel Janey? Cos you might wanna have a chat with Maura, it looks like she’s on a different page.”

Jane nods and straightens up, “She’s probably just stressed, or traumatized… I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” She takes on Maura’s usual role of trying to rationalise the situation, knowing she is going to have to deal with it sooner rather than later but wanting to avoid thinking about it for as long as she can. But not thinking about it meant not talking about it. “I’ll talk to her when I get to the hospital okay? How are you doing?”

“I’m fine-” Frankie starts but another EMT cuts him off.

“Scrapes and bruises mostly.” He steps around from the side of the van to face the Rizzoli siblings, his nametag reading ‘RYE’. “The bump on his head looks alright, but we’re going to make sure he gets that checked out at General too.”

“I feel fine, I’m fine.” Frankie defends, eyeing Rye and trying to convince him that he does not need another trip to the hospital.

“Hey,” Jane calls his attention back to her, “If the doctor says you need to get checked out, you’re going.”

He scoffs, “You wouldn’t go.”

“Yeah well, do as I say not as I do.”

“You’re not my mother.”

“No, but if Ma was here she’d be saying the same thing, now go before I make Korsak order you to.” Jane points into the van with an expectant gaze.

It is not without grumbling and mumbled complaints, but he consents to transportation to the hospital for testing. Rye helps him into the back, directing him to lie down on the stretcher so he can strap him in as per safety regulations. Jane watches with fidgeting hands in front of her as nervousness settles back into her bones.

“Hey,” Korsak is suddenly standing beside her and she jumps slightly; she had not heard him walk up. “there’s nothing more you can do here, you’ve had a hell of a day. Let me drive you to the hospital.”

“No,” Jane protests, eyes flicking over to the ambulance she left Maura at but it has gone and taken the doctor with it, “We still need to-”

“It’s fine, we’ve got it from here, c’mon.”

“But-”

Upon running into the typical Rizzoli resistance, Korsak tries a different tact, “Alright then take a seat and you can start writing out your statement for the officer involved shooting incident report.”

Jane visibly cringes at the thought as though she is allergic to paperwork and heads towards the car, “Ew, no thanks. I pick hospital.”

Korsak cannot help the small laugh that escapes him; you can always count on a homicide detectives disdain for paperwork. “Would you like to drive?” He offers, “Perhaps it will give you a sense of control over today.”

“No!” Jane responds, not wanting to feel like anyone was pitying her and secretly, concerned that she would be too distracted and cause a crash. The last thing she wants is to be cooped up in a hospital bed, sitting around all day with nothing to do, cut out of the investigation and work, vulnerable and unable to protect her family.

Korsak takes the lead, adjusting the seat back as he gets in to give his legs the room he needs. He checks Jane has put her seatbelt on and then starts the car but before driving away, makes a point to change the radio station to something softer in hopes of calming the detective.

Jane leans her elbow against the window and bites the nail of her thumb, losing herself to her thoughts before Korsak can lose sight of the building behind them in the mirrors. She knows that all she has achieved is swapping one stress for another; she does not want to recount what happened but she does not want to confront Maura about the kiss either. Not until she has had time to think over both incidents.

The detective leans back, unaware that she had been sitting forward until she moved, oblivious to Korsak glancing at her periodically. It was not that she had never thought about Maura in that way, or thought about kissing her- it was more that she had too much respect for her best friend to cross the line drawn in the sand unspoken between them. She knew they were friends and had never expected it to be more than that, her friendship was more important to Jane than anything else. To think about her like that in anyway felt as though she were betraying Maura’s trust in her or being disrespectful. She felt guilty for even thinking about kissing her that she could not let herself imagine anything more. Jane had been curious what it would be like to be with Maura in a romantic sense and justified it to herself that surely everyone had these thoughts about their friends on occasion. It was harmless, right? She tried not to question how their history had bonded them, or how it shaped her feelings, or just how deep those feelings ran, preferring instead to maintain the status quo. Jane had wondered from time to time how she would respond if Maura showed an interest in her but had always brushed the thought aside because it brought with it a surprisingly hurtful reality that it was not to happen.

But then it did.

 _She kissed me._ Jane stared out the window, her tips of her fingers touching her lips and now forced to confront the questions she had purposefully left ignored and unanswered. _She kissed me and I ran away._ A feeling of shame spread through her for the first time at her actions. _Maura must think I don’t share her feelings._ She hated to think that she would be the cause of Maura’s pain, especially after a day like today where she was already at, or even possibly beyond, her limits. _But what exactly are my feelings? Does she have feelings for me? She sure seems to be harbouring something that she hasn’t told me about but what exactly are the limits of my feelings for her? Or hers for me? Can I see myself dating my best friend? Do I love her? Sure I do but-_

“Jane?”

“Huh?” She tears her hand away from her mouth, letting it fall to her lap, turning to her partner.

“Are you okay? You don’t usually talk to yourself.”

“I-” Jane went to deny the accusation but realized he was right, she had been muttering slightly but couldn’t recall what she’d said. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Korsak assured, hoping to keep the lines of communication open between them, “I just want to make sure that you’re alright.” He kept his eyes on the road.

“Yeah, yeah.” Jane dismissed, looking back out the window “I’m fine.”

“This about Maura?”

Jane whirls back around so fast her ponytail flicks the headrest behind her, “What do you mean?” she asks harsher than intended, invisible barriers beginning to hastily build themselves in place.

“Have you two been seeing each other?”

“We work together and she lives with my mother.” Jane snips, questioning why she is being defensive or what she thinks she is trying to hide but still avoiding the answers she doesn’t feel she is ready to come to yet.

“I mean outside of work; Jane I want you to know-”

“There’s nothing going on between me and Maura. She’s my best friend and I hate seeing her all broken up like that, can we just- drive please.” She gestures to the road ahead, wishing they could go back to the silence and not discuss this.

Korsak resists the urge to correct her sentence structure, “Jane I saw what happened and I’m not trying to condemn you for it-”

“Good. Then don’t.”

“Will you let me finish?” Korsak remains calm with the understanding that today has been a horror show with the highest stakes and the Rizzoli emotional fallout can be wild and unexpected. He’s worked with her long enough to know that if he keeps his cool, Jane too will come around and when she doesn’t respond he takes that as a good sign. “I don’t know what your feelings are in this matter but Maura is in a very fragile state and after everything that’s happened over the years I would be surprised if the two of you didn’t have a very strong bond. I just want you to know that if you decide to pursue this you have my support,” he looks over to her for a second so the detective can read the sincerity in his expression. “and if you don’t then I respectfully suggest you choose your words to her carefully because right now she’s hurting and needs your support. Losing you now might just send over the edge. Permanently.”

Jane’s shoulders drop and Korsak’s support for the both of them no matter the outcome hits her harder than she expected. “I know,” She rasps out and tries to clear her throat. She hadn’t gotten to thinking about how those around her would react since she was trying to discern what it is that she wanted and how _exactly_ she felt, “God,” she puts her head in her hands, trying to hide from it all, “I don’t want to hurt her.” Jane looks at Korsak for help, even knowing the man has had four wives, “What do I do?”

“Do you love her?”

“Of course, she’s family.”

“Are you in love with her?” Korsak amends.

“I-” Jane hesitates, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it,” she admits, rubbing her palm with her thumb in a nervous gesture, shoulders held high and feeling very out of her depth.

“Whatever you decide, we’re with you. Just remember that if this goes badly it will be the talk of the department trying to figure out what broke up the infamous inseparable Doctor Isles and Detective Rizzoli.” He tries to joke.

“We’re already going to be the talk of the precinct.” Jane grumbles and then a thought hits her like a freight train, “Please don’t tell anyone what happened, Maura doesn’t need that kind of flak from her peers right now.” Jane is confident that she can handle anything anyone wants to throw her way, but she’ll be damned if she lets anyone else contribute to Maura’s trauma today. _The last thing Maura needs is to be alienated from the one place she feels she belongs in this world._ She thinks to herself.

Korsak smiles that Jane’s first thought is to protect Maura. She may not see the significance of her words but he has a sneaking suspicion which way their conversation will go and he makes a note to avoid going down to the morgue for the next few months at least. “Your secret is safe with us, but if anyone tries to give either of you any shit they’re gonna have to go through Frankie and I first.”

Jane gives a wry smile, “Thanks, I guess.” and tries to return to her thoughts, “I just- it was such a surprise you know? I didn’t expect her to-” she stops mid-sentence, brow creasing and shaking her head slightly. _What does she want? What did it mean to her? Could this just be a stress-induced reaction that she regrets? I didn’t exactly respond with assurances or welcoming arms._

“Kiss you?” Korsak finishes, making sure they are on the same page. Jane nods, “How do you feel about that?”

“I don’t know, I mean I love her but I don’t know what I want out of this. I’ve spent a lot of time trying _not_ to think about it, that I’m in over my head now.”

“Sounds like you’ve given this some thought before. Normally I’d say trust your gut but today I’m going to amend that.” He pulls into a loading zone and turns off the car, Jane only now realizing they have arrived at the hospital, “Trust your heart Jane.” Korsak watches her expression, watching the open concern and jitters as she shifts her hands and holds the door handle, very obviously itching to escape.

Jane nods, “Okay,” she acknowledges and exits the car with a hasty, “Thanks for the ride.” over her shoulder.

“How are you getting home?” Korsak hollers out through the closed door, Jane crouches by the widows and shrugs.

“I’ll figure it out later.” With an appreciative thump on the cars door, Jane jogs over to the entrance of the hospital, her heart beginning to race again and she calls out to the first member of staff she sees in the ER, “I’m looking for Maura Isles; she should have come in before me in an ambulance. I’m a detective, I need to see her.” Jane flashes her badge for them to see.

“Jane.”

The detective recognizes the voice immediately but isn’t sure if she’s relieved or more anxious to hear it, she had planned on finding out where her best friend was and then hovering around outside until she could plan what she was going to say to her. Regardless, Maura has seen her now and she wants a status update immediately so she strides over to her, reflexively reaching out to touch her but then halting, suddenly unsure if it’s okay to touch her and drops her hands to her belt out of habit, “Hey, you doin’ alright?” she asks, noting that Maura is still in her own clothes and not actually making use of the immaculate bed she’s sitting on. Maura nods, but she looks exhausted now compared to her previous distressed state and as Jane examines her more thoroughly she realizes her makeup has smudged, “Have you been crying?” She asks softly, reaching out again and this time putting her hand on Maura’s shoulder.

Maura doesn’t meet her gaze, pulling her lip into her mouth and running her tongue over the abrasion. Unable to lie, she nods. “I’m okay now, one of the nurses-” she starts fiddling with the bedsheet underneath her as though there were wrinkles that needed to be ironed out. “I must admit I was in rather a state when I arrived and they decided they needed to sedate me,” she shakes her head as though it were something to be truly ashamed of, “but I’m alright now.” She looks up, although not at Jane and to the wall beside her head as though trying to see into her own head for analysis, “That could be a biased assessment given the circumstances. Yes, I can definitely feel the drugs’ effects on my central nervous system providing a false sense of calm over the rest of my body that will wear off in a few hours but-”

“Sooo, you’re not alright?” Jane questions.

“Physically I’m fine.”

Jane glares down at her now, it doesn’t escape her that Maura chose to avoiding answering the question holistically, “And what about not-physically?”

“That’s not proper English-”

“Maura.” Jane warns, refusing to be redirected.

The doctor licks her lips nervously and twists her hands together in front of her, avoiding Jane’s eyes and sighing, “It’s not uncommon for someone who experiences a significant trauma to harbor feelings of fear, anxiety, guilt or sadness, numbness or even anger which seems to be your go to emotion. I’ve noticed a history of avoidance with anything related to the experience, withdrawing and having trouble trusting others, often irrespective of prior relationships.” Jane lets her scientifically analyse her emotions as though they are not her own, distancing herself from the situation to rationalize her human reactions according to how science tells her she ought to behave and respond. “I have to apologize; I don’t want my actions to have adverse reactions on our friendship-”

“Hey don’t even worry about it,” Jane understands immediately what she’s referring to and tries to diffuse the conversation without having to really talk about it, “I’m not going to leave you okay? You don’t have to worry about that, I’ll always be here for you, I wouldn’t leave my best friend like that.” Jane assures and wraps her up in a gentle hug, guiding her head to her breastbone as she would a small child and holding her there, rocking them from side to side and resting her chin atop Maura’s head, “You can’t scare me off that easy.” She recalls the time when Maura’s assistant kissed her as a means of distraction and starts to draw the parallels between the situations, further rationalising to herself that Maura has other intentions.

“Right, of course, you’re my best friend,” Maura mumbles and then closes her eyes to the tears trying to reform. She can feel Jane’s steady breaths and listens for her heartbeat while her own remains unsteady and a little out of her control. Focusing on the tap of blood pumping under her friend’s skin, a reassurance that they’re both alive and have escaped another horrific event, Maura tries to use it in combination with breathing techniques she’s read about in her science magazines to combat intense anxiety attacks to calm herself. She feels Jane place a tender kiss in her hair and it almost sends a sob through her, the token of affection reminding her of the mistake she believes she made not all that long ago.

Jane meanwhile is reeling, taking the time to drop the carefully held up mask and let her confusion play across her face as Maura tenses under her affections. She curses herself for being too cowardice to say or do anything more but still wrestles with unknowing, and the lack of answers or understanding frustrating her but assisting in stalling her response. She knows that the longer she waits to react to Maura’s sudden display of need and possible attraction, the more she damages what they have and hurts her friend in the process.

_I need to act now._

Jane reflects on the times she had briefly wondered what Maura would be like romantically but previously would not allow herself to indulge, her current affections, and her body’s natural reaction to the surprise she received earlier. She decides to make it simple for herself and bring it down to one thought:   _Even if I don’t know what my feelings are now, do I want to take the chance that this could be something more or am I 100% certain that what I feel is purely platonic and will_ _never_ _be anything else?_ Thinking specifically on the excitement that she felt when Maura kissed her, she resolves to tell her.

“Maura,” Jane sighs her name and leans back to put some physical space between them, ready to start getting this conversation over and done with so she can have at least one answer today and get one thing off her plate of problems, “I don’t know what this means or what’s going on between us now; if this a manifestation of stress, or trauma, or if this is real, or if now the best time to be thinking about this-” Her answer surprises her because it’s not the route she had intended to go down.

Jane pauses to try and bring her thoughts back on track to asking what it all meant to Maura, but the doctor takes her pause as a chance to respond, “I know and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to complicate things between us,” she starts waving her hands in placating gestures and sits up straighter. It is an outwards sign of her defences going up and her intention to bring their relationship back a professional one. “I don’t usually respond the way I did today when I-” she falters but knows she needs to finish her sentence, and the sooner she does, the sooner she can let go of one _her_ worries that are starting to pile up. She swallows before continuing, “when I kissed you, the immediate threat had been neutralized but there is definitely a part of me that idolizes you for finding me and- oh god I’m rambling.” she hides her blushing face in her hands to collect herself.

“No, no, it’s okay Maura, really it’s okay I-” Jane jumps at the chance to speak and tries to convey both her desire for this and explain herself at the same time. She takes a hold of Maura’s hands, “It’s just that you’re my best friend and I’m at my wits end here worrying about you, Ma, Frankie, hell even Korsak, Kiki and Nina aren’t safe by association, they could be targeted too and any one of them could be hurt or killed...”

It doesn’t escape Maura how the detective emphasizes their relationship as friends and she immediately backs off even harder, not willing to risk what they have already in the prospect of having more, “I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have done that, it won’t happen again.” she backtracks, hoping this won't affect them going forward.

“No!” Jane panics, running out of ways to initiate this conversation in a positive light, “No no no! Don’t- I-” her words break her vocal cords and she can’t find anything to replace them fast enough to convey what she wants, and with her brain running wildly in her head to find the fastest way to convey all her thoughts her body takes over and she kisses Maura. She did not think as her fingers had curled behind Maura’s neck and the base of her skull, thumb coming to rest by her ear. Not a thought passed through her previously screaming mind in the second she used the advantage to pull Maura up to her lips and demonstrated the intention that would not find its words.

The effect it has surprises her. It tempers her fear and clears her mind for her pull back enough to say, “Don’t be, please. _I’m sorry,_ ” And when Jane opens her eyes it’s to find a pair of tears cascading down Maura’s dusty cheeks and leaving little clean tracks on her skin. The sight stabs through her and she can’t bear to see the pain, closing her eyes, head tilting and lips pressing gently to hers once, twice, three times she releases Maura’s lips and her own shaky breath over them, then brushes their noses together affectionately. Jane holds there with their foreheads touching while she reigns in the scratching heat at the back of her throat. She sniffs just once, all the cards on the table now and waits to see what Maura would make of them with closed eyes, praying that she hasn’t just made the biggest mistake of her life on the force.

“Jane, please.” Is all Maura says, chest tight with all the emotions swirling for attention and trying to rise to the top first. She’s at the end of her mental rope of things she can deal with today and possible misinterpretations or in-depth analysis are not tasks she wants to face; she just wants a straightforward answer, _needs_ clarity in its simplest form.

Jane gives it to her, standing up straight and looking directly at Maura when she says, “I’m willing to give this a shot. Whatever, this… is.” She adds with more than a little uncertainty, now fiddling with her hands in front of her and waiting with baited breath.

“You… want to give us a shot?” Maura questions, unsure she heard right but unable to stop the little rush of relief and happiness that manages to streak through her despite the intensity of the day she’s had. Jane nods, unable to muster the courage to speak the words aloud again. “But Jane, you’re a heterosexual woman with no prior engagement or interest in the same sex what’s makes you so sure this is something you want?” Denial creeps its way in and strengthens her voice, the last thing she needs right now is to deal with rejection issues _and_ the loss of her best friend in one foul twist of fate.

“I kissed you back?” Jane asks, shoulders unconsciously rising along with the pitch in her voice.

“I… I-” Maura does not know what she wants to say and stops altogether.

“And you kissed _me_ back,” Jane defaults to humour, pointing and hoping to ease the tension with some normality as she turns the question back on Maura, “besides, you’re a heterosexual woman…” she mimics and waves her hand theatrically with a grin, “with no prior engagement or interest in the same sex, what’s makes _you_ so sure this is something you want, huh?”

Maura wants to smile but looks away, and finds herself admitting quietly, “I wouldn’t want to take something that pleasurable back.” She looks up at Jane again because while she wants to smile at the fact her best friend is trying to keep things normal between them and assure her no matter which way this goes, she’ll still stand beside her as always, Maura’s longstanding insecurities are not so easily dissuaded. “I have to ask, I have to know so I can protect myself if need be; Are you sure this something you really want?” She started strong but Maura’s tone drops back pleadingly, “Please Jane, I couldn’t bear it if this doesn’t mean as much to you as it does me.”

“Half the precinct already thought we were dating,” Jane comments but on seeing Maura look away again she realizes that her attempt at being funny is misplaced and if she wants this then she’s going to have to face up to her feelings. Immediately. Jane looks down at their hands, both holding their own tightly and rectifying the situation by taking Maura’s hands in her scarred ones, “It’ll be an adjustment but for you I’d do almost anything.”

Maura smiles at that. “I know you would.” She whispers, some of the tension easing its way out of her body at a successful resolution to what could have been a damaging act to their friendship, “This won’t be easy you know, Harris’s partner is still-”

“Shhh,” Jane whispers, kissing her knuckles, “the office can wait, what’s say I get you home?” she lets go of a hand to rub Maura’s shoulder and when she nods her consent, leans in to kiss her cheek and then guides her over to the nurses’ station for release forms with an arm around her back.

“I suppose we can get the results delivered or emailed over to us,” Maura justifies, self-consciously wiping at her cheeks.

“Hi,” Jane calls to one of the nurses typing away at a company computer, in the friendliest tone she can manage, “Can we-”

“Detective Rizzoli?” The smile on Jane’s faces wipes off instantly as she leans back to look behind Maura at the uniformed officer standing there.

“Yes?” She growls.

“I was assigned detail to Doctor Isles.”

“Well good,” Jane waves towards the door and ignores the questioning look on Maura’s face as she turns to her, “Then you can take us home.” She catches the look that says Maura’s about to interrupt and adds in, “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“Excuse me, she hasn’t been released yet,” The nurse calls back to the trio and Jane makes a point of looking at her name tag.

“Well, Brenda, tell me where I need to sign to get her released.”

“Are you a doctor?”

“No.” Jane replies with over emphasis as if it isn’t already obvious by the gun and badge attached to her belt, “But she is.” She points to Maura who interrupts the nurse’s next response.

“Typically, a patient can’t sign themselves out of-”

“You’re not a patient,” Jane argues and then turns back to the nurse, “she willingly volunteered to be taken here for testing, that means she can sign herself out and if that isn’t a good enough reason then how about this: I believe her life might be in danger and here is both too open and too vulnerable AND there are too many people here I don’t want in the crossfire causing panic if something should happen. That would make both our jobs a lot harder. So how about I take her home and make sure she stays there until we hear back from you about your tests and _if_ something comes up, we’ll bring her straight back here?”

“Jeez, no need to be bossy,” Brenda mumbles to herself as she refers to her paperwork in front of her but Jane hears her.

“I’m protective.” Jane corrects, “This woman has had one hell of a day on a scale you can’t even imagine and being here isn’t helping.”

Brenda is quiet for a moment, debating her options and then says, “Just wait here a minute, I’ll refer you to my supervisor.”

Jane nods, annoyed but vaguely courteous, “Good, fine. Go do that, we’ll wait here.” she shifts her stance slightly and her hands habitually return to her belt.

As soon as the nurse is out of sight Maura leans into Jane and whispers so the officer will not hear her, “You’re very demanding, are you alright?”

“I won’t be if people keep asking me that,” she mutters back and then lifts her tone to a more caring one, “I just want to get you home safe.”

“I appreciate your support in the matter but I’d be fine to wait here and-” she can’t miss the way Jane looks at her with a clear disdain for hospitals and changes her tact, “Going home does sound nice, I could run a bubble bath or…” her eyes shift sideways as she thinks through what she might want to do that night, “just sleep.” The word prompts another thought and she looks to Jane again, “When was the last time you slept?”

“Uhh,” Jane looks up at the spotted ceiling and tries to remember back through the long string of events in recent memory, “I think I fell asleep on the couch in your office at one point, it doesn’t make for a very good bed you know.”

“Well of course not, it’s not made for sleeping on and with the way you slouch you should really go see a chiropractor, the discs along your sp-”

“I do not _slouch_.”

“You do!” Maura challenges the defiant look on Janes features, finding a little spark of energy with the conversation, “Okay then what would you call the posture you’re holding right now.”

Jane looks down at herself, Maura’s eyes following just a bit slower so the detective is able to catch it and cannot help but smile, “Standing. Waiting. I-”

“Ladies,” a man announces his presence standing before them with a piece of printed paper in his hands, but the first thing Jane notices is how neat his black buttoned shirt is for working in a hospital, “the nurse tells me you want to sign Ms. Isles out?”

“Doctor, Isles.” Jane corrects slowly, “Yes. I’m taking her home.”

“Okay it says here that you came in for tests, we haven’t had any results come in yet. Would you mind-”

“Yes, I would mind,” Jane butts in, “Do you know who she is?” she asks, pointing to Maura who now just wants this to all go away, “She’s Doctor Maura Isles, the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts-”

“-Jane-” Maura tries to quietly interject.

“And if she says she’s fine and wants to go home, then I take her home.”

“Are you her… partner?” He guesses.

“I’m the cop taking her home with or without your permission.” Janes anger returns with the resistance she is encountering in the staff, even knowing they are only trying to cover their own asses so they can’t be sued for negligence. She decides it is better to say this than to admit that as of 3 minutes ago, yes, she is Maura’s partner, her experience and judgement telling her that revealing that information would only slow the process down.

“Jane.” Maura tries again, equally as quiet as the first time but too tired to raise her voice.

“What?” She breaks her stare on the supervisor and turns to her friend who is now tugging on her arm.

With Jane’s attention now on her, Maura looks over at the man whom she realizes bares no nametag or an introduction and calmly explains, “We would appreciate it if you email the results of the tests to me personally and if something should come up, I’ll come right back in. I assure you, I feel fine.” She speaks with a confidence doesn’t quite match her current physical appearance.

A tense few seconds pass in which the supervisor delays answering before conceding, “Alright, we’ll email you the results. But before you can go I need you to fill out this form with both your details.” He points to the two women.

“Of course,” Maura responds, stepping in front of Jane and holding her hands out for pen and paper.

Jane is forced to move back and uses the moment to address the officer with them, “You got a squad car?”

“No Ma’am.”

“Mm.” Jane grunts. She had expected as such since there never seems to be enough squad cars and she pulls out her phone, “I’ll get us one.” She starts to dial one of the memorised numbers of the precinct.

“My buddy is in the area, I can probably get him to swing by?” He offers.

“Sure,” Jane looks up from her phone, “Officer…?”

“Gram.”

“Officer Gram,” Jane repeats with a small smile and then returns her eyes to her screen, checking for any messages but there are none. She slides the phone back into place on her belt and then looks over Maura’s shoulder to see how she’s going but Maura slides the paper and pen back before Jane can catch any of the words on it, “That was fast.”

“Well it’s just a release form saying that I am leaving against their advice and if anything should happen to me that you’re my responsible adult and they won’t be held accountable in the unlikely event of my death.”

“Oh goodie.” Jane is deadpan, “Responsibilities.” waving in her peripheral vision catches her eye. It is officer Gram telling her that they are ready to leave, “Oh thank God, c’mon let’s go.” She unconsciously put her hand on Maura’s back to guide her as they leave while she checks constantly for any sign of an impending attack.

“The car should be here in a minute,” Officer Gram confirms, much more casual about his assignment than Jane would have liked but her paranoia would cover the three of them and then some.  

The whole ride home the strung-out detective keeps a lookout, watching every movement outside the windows, each car on the road, all the pedestrians going about their day as normal. A few people stare at the squad car as they go passed but Jane is not expecting a threat from the standard mill of gawkers, she has her eyes out for something more organized and sinister but the ride is smooth and uneventful beyond her calling out directions. When they turn into Maura’s street, she turns to look at the doctor and finds her asleep. Jane looks at her with soft eyes and debates attempting to carry her inside, but decides it will be safer for all concerned if she simply wakes the woman.

The car comes to a smooth stop and the officers turn to her expectantly for instructions or a thank you and dismissal, “Protect her at all costs.” Jane instructs and quietly opens the door, stepping out of the car and drawing her gun. The officers see her movements and go to follow, opening their doors but Jane turns on them, waving them down, “What did I just say? Stay. Watch her, I got this.” she insists roughly. Besides, she does not expect that anyone will actually _be_ in the house but she has to satisfy herself and be certain of it.

Jane recalls her training, peers through the windows before approaching the door, and opens it with the key Maura gave her. She leaves it open, gun in front of her and sweeping the room for intruders or anything out of place but the place is as immaculate as ever. Everything is as it should be, nearest Jane can tell. She is the only one in the room so she moves down the hall to the guest bathroom and softly kicks the door open, checking behind it after clearing the room ahead of her. Jane readjusts her grip on her weapon and backs out to repeat the process for the equally empty laundry. She notes with some surprise that there does not seem to be any sign of washing to be done, nor that any have ever been done with how spotless every surface is.

However, the cleanliness of Maura's house is not what she came to investigate so once more the concerned detective backs out and does a quick check of the guest bedroom, producing the same results.

This time as Jane heads out, she goes for the stairs. She takes them one at a time, eyes flicking between each step as she takes it and what she can see of the landing above her, lest someone try to ambush her. Jane starts with the left side, checking the meditation room and going so far as to check each of the cupboards, opening them one by one and steadfastly ignoring the little voice in her head trying to tell her that she is paranoid because no one would be able to fit between all the items stuffed into them. She walks quietly over the carpeted floor to the guest bedroom, pushing the door open and peering inside, noticing the sweat from her palms when her hand moves back to her gun. As ever the room is neat and devoid of life beyond herself.

Jane takes a deep breath and tries to shake off her nerves, poking her head (and gun) into the dedicated shoe closet in the hallway.  _One room left._ She had been into Maura's room a few times before, but never had she felt like an intruder until this point. Something about walking into Maura's bedroom without her knowledge, permission, or her being there felt oddly intrusive but regardless she had to finish her sweep. Raising her service weapon one more time she approaches the closed door, standing against the wall and silently opening the door, cracking it open she looks quickly into the room and then pulls back, much like she did earlier in the tunnels. In the snapshot glance she'd taken of the room it appeared empty. Jane steps out into the doorway, her whole body moving with her as she checks the room left and right, noticing that Maura's bed is unmade, the sheets pulled out and ruffled, suggesting the doctor didn't have time to fix them before rushing into work unexpectedly.

Turning around to the walk in wardrobe, she checks that too and the thought strikes her that its dimensions may rival the bedroom it is supposed to accompany.

Jane refocuses her attention on the ensuite door, the door is ajar and the light is on. She swallows her fear, comforted in knowing she's armed and it only takes her two strides to reach the door, peering in from beside the doorway so her reflection can't be seen to anyone inside.

_One… two… three!_

Jane counts herself off as she would with a team and on three, bursts through the door, quickly checking left and right but the bathroom is empty. She sighs in relief, her body relaxing with the motion and she looks around again, taking note of the towel on the floor. Jane picks it up and hangs it on the bar it’s supposed to dry on but as she turns to leave, Jane catches her reflection. She’s tired, that much is clear, it’s written all over her face but she doesn’t want to study herself. Turning the light off and leaving the door open, Jane exits and picks up her pace now that she’s confident the house is safe.

It’s not until she reaches the front door again that she remembers to holster her weapon. An incessant throb begins in the back of her head and she rubs her neck as though it will alleviate her constant stress and erase the week from her memory. Jane approaches the officers that stand guard around the vehicle with their holsters unbuttoned and hands ready, “House is clear, you can go.” She dismisses them and rounds the trunk to Maura’s door, opening it and crouching down, “Maura.” she calls softly, putting a hand on her forearm. Maura jolts up with a gasp and lashes out at the contact but Jane deflects her attack, having anticipated this could be a possible reaction, “It’s okay, you’re safe. It’s just me.”

“Jane.” Maura says as though trying to convince herself that is indeed the detective before her, “Sorry.” Her shoulders drop, letting her guard down and she accepts the hand that Jane offers to her, pulling herself out of the car.

“We’re here,” Jane tells her and Maura looks up to her house, “It’s safe, there’s no one inside, I checked just to make sure.”

“Thank you.” She responds, walking with Jane inside and trying to be subtle in doing her own check.

Jane shuts the door and locks it, observing the officers through the window as they pull out of the driveway, but remain in front of the house.  She decides not to tell Maura they are there, but quietly she is glad that they will be staying.

“Jane?” Maura calls with uncertainty clouding her voice.

“Yeah?” She turns back to Maura her eyes searching for the woman who has moved to stand in her kitchen and now stares at her. It is obvious in her rigid stance that something is weighing on her mind, “What’s wrong?”

“Will you stay?”

Jane moves to close the distance between them but stops when she reaches the island, resting her hands on its cold marble surface, “Of course. I’m not letting you leave my sight.” she watches her words take effect as Maura releases a shaky breath and seems to deflate an inch in height with it, nodding to herself.

“Good, good… Thank you.” She adds as an afterthought and moves around the island to be closer to Jane, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

Jane accepts the hug she sees coming her way, not normally one for a lot of physical affection but understanding that Maura needs it and willing to accommodate. “You couldn’t get rid of me even if you wanted me to leave.” She assures, pulling the exhausted woman into her and using her height advantage to rest her chin atop her head. A moment of peaceful of nothingness passes between them, both lost in their own thoughts but Jane struggles for words to say. Without the weight of Maura’s expectant and analysing eyes on her she quietly admits, “I don’t want to be alone either.”

When Maura looks up at her she expects her to let go but she does not, silently looking over each of her facial features and trying to read into the words and their possible meanings. Jane imagines she is asking herself; is she talking about living with me? Admitting her feelings for me? Is she confessing intentions to commit to…

Jane stopped trying to guess what was going around in Maura’s head, “What are you thinking about?” she finally asks, loosening her hold slowly and putting a steps space between them, noticing how Maura looks for something to distract herself with but there’s nothing in reach besides Jane.

Maura swallows visibly and licks her lips nervously, her tongue passing over the cut and reminding her again of the day she’s trying so hard to put behind her, “You,” she answers simply although her own thoughts are anything but, “I can’t lie, you know that, I-” she pauses to gather her confused thoughts, “I’ve thought about this a lot, thought about us, a lot, and now we’re here. I thought we never would be but here we are, and I’ve thought about what I would say or do, what you might say and… I’m so tired I can’t think.”

“It’s okay.”

Rationalisation steps in and Maura once again tries to distance herself from both the trauma and Jane. “It’s possible that I’m experiencing an acute stress reaction, it’s not uncommon in a traumatic event for a person to experience a strong emotional response, or dissociation,” She looks down at her hands suddenly, flexing her fingers as though testing she can feel them and they’re all there. Her voice drops to a whisper as her thought process takes a turn on the word ‘disassociation’, “This can’t be real,” Maura curls her fingers into fists, pressing her manicured nails into the flesh of her palm to feel them sting with pain, “You wouldn’t- No, you don’t, you-”

“Maura it’s okay,” Jane tries to reassure her before she can think herself into a full-blown panic attack. She takes hold of her shoulders and lowers herself to see into Maura’s eyes, “We’ll get through this okay? We’ll work it all out. You’re smart, and you’re strong, you’ll get passed this, alright?” Maura nods but Jane isn’t convinced, “I’m gonna stay here tonight, I’ll watch over you. No one is going to come near you or hurt you if I have anything to say about it alright? They’ll have to step over my dead body before they can touch you and I have no intentions of dying.” Jane voice is strong with intent but she cannot bring herself to say ‘I promise’, the weight of her failure glaring up at her in the form of Maura’s watery eyes, shattered confidence, and anxiety. It reminds Jane that she has not escaped unscathed either and the conviction she held earlier is suspiciously missing, “Maura I’m so sorry, this is all my fault. I knew the threat wasn’t directed me but I thought it was about Ma, I came here looking for her but it was you they were after and I should have known, I should have had someone looking for you as well.”

Maura shakes her head, unable to see fault with Jane’s actions or thought process, “You were right to go after your mother, I can protect myself- I should have protected myself. I’ve taken classes and steps to prevent this kind of this happening but in the end I was powerless-”

“You are not powerless.” Jane interrupts, and searches for a tissue box when the dam finally breaks and Maura lets the tears she has been holding back go. She finds a box halfway down the island and reaches over, pulling it back with her and holding it out to Maura. “You’re amazing, and… incredible, and I don’t doubt for a second that you fought as hard as you could.”

“It wasn’t enough.” Maura murmurs, wiping carefully at her eyes and realising it would be better if she removed her makeup entirely.

“It was though, we followed your trail and we found you. You did an amazing job leaving us clues like writing ‘tunnel’ in the dust on the radiator and the blood at the fake crime scene, you’re a genius Maura.”

Maura deflects the compliment, “It only takes a hundred and fifty IQ points to be classified as a genius but IQ isn’t-”

“You say that like it’s nothing, not just anyone has that kind of ability but that’s not the point. You did everything you could and it _was_ enough, you’re always enough Maur, and I will always find you. Okay? Always.”

“What if next time you don’t find me in time Jane?”

“Who says there is going to be a next time? I’m not letting you out of my sight until this prick is either dead or in supermax!”

“That’s impractical, you can’t do your job or do anything if you’re looking at me the whole time and eventually you’ll have to look away or at least sleep.”

“Then _I’ll_ hire a bodyguard for you.”

“I don’t think you can afford that with your salary-”

“Maura,” Jane whines, slumping forward and letting her arms hang limply in exasperation. Maura ceases verbalising her thoughts, instantly shutting down again and retreating inwardly. Jane straightens once more in her silence. “I’m not going to let there be a ‘next time’ because I’m going to catch this guy, they’re gonna tell us what the hell I did to piss them off so much and then I’m going to throw their ass in jail where they can’t see the light of day or hurt anyone ever again, and you and I are gonna skip off into the sunset with margaritas with little twirly umbrellas.” Jane punctuates her sentence by swinging her arm in an upwards curve, hoping Maura will launch into a scientific explanation as to why little pink umbrellas help boost sales, or the history of alcohol, or prohibition, or perhaps the psychology behind the different drinks people of various archetypes like to consume. But Maura says nothing, staring down at the tissue she keeps folding in her hands. Her silence worries Jane and she tries to draw her back out, “Hey um, how about you go take a shower or I can run you a bath? Something to relax you and put this day behind you huh? This won’t last forever.”

“I just want this to all be over.” Maura replies dejectedly.  

“I know, me too but let’s start by finding you something more comfortable to wear, do you have _anything_ that doesn’t cost more than I make a week?”

“Of course, I have very few items that cost that much Jane, I am practical when it comes to money management.”

“Alright, well…” Jane gestures to the stairs and lets Maura take the lead, following behind and rubbing the back of her neck as she tries to figure out exactly what she is doing, that throb persisting. She notices Maura check every room they pass, “There’s no one else here.”

Maura nods, distracting herself with the state of her clothes, “I’ll have to send these for dry cleaning.” she notes.

“Is there anything you _don’t_ send to dry cleaning? Does the laundry ever get used?” Jane asks, Maura’s comment reminding her of the state of the room in question below them.

“Yes. I do the linens in house but I prefer my outfits to be cleaned professionally and with more precise care than I have the time or space to achieve on my own.”

They arrive at Maura’s room and she enters without hesitation.

“Will you be alright to…?” Jane gestures to the bathroom, rubbing her neck yet again in a nervous gesture; unsure of what it is she is proposing to do with her line of questioning.

Maura looks back at her with a scathing view, “Of course Jane, I’m not an invalid. Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

Jane backtracks both physically and conversationally, taking a step back, “I’m just making sure you don’t want me to check for any monster or kidnappers or… something. I’ll just wait downstairs.” she finishes hurriedly, moving towards the door before the sentence has finished.

Maura reaches out again to stop her, “No, wait, Jane. I didn’t mean to imply that I wanted you to leave, in fact I would feel safer if I knew you were close by, I just…” she trails off in her words, wrangling with her thoughts and new fears.

Jane nods slowly when Maura's sentence does not pick back up, “Okay, yeah, I’ll be right here.” She takes a seat on the corner of the bed, sitting tall and straight as though she is on guard duty.

“Thank you.” Maura whispers, turning to find the hangers on which her clothes belonged, ignoring Jane’s eyes on her as she moves towards the bathroom and closes the door behind her.

Jane sags, unable to maintain the posture with the weight of the day on her shoulders and she pulls out her hair tie, letting her curls fall freely at first and then running her hands through the tangled mass. She looks down at her hands, almost surprised to see they aren’t shaking and she opens them to look at her palms. The faded pink scars stare back at her, a forever reminder of Charles Hoyt.

_More scars. Mine physical, hers mental, but how deep do her scars go?  I haven’t seen her this shaken up since… Ever. She’s been through so much in her life but it’s hard move on when there is no reason behind the attack. How much more can she handle before she crosses a one-way bridge and we never see Maura as we know her again?_

Jane stares at her scars. Maura had been there for her then, as had Korsak when he found her terrified, bleeding, almost screaming and staked. Maua had stuck by her through the years of traumas, trials, long cases and variable moods, putting up with her impatience, impulsive ideas and often reckless endangerments. Jane knew that she would return that loyalty in the weeks to come, vowing to be as a good a friend to Maura as she had been to her, but what she did not know was how to help her heal. It had been years now since she had killed Hoyt and put an end to the scars he’d give her, they’d healed with time and she’s learned to accept the scars her body bears.

 _Time heals all._ Jane remembers hearing it said to her many times but amends; _Well, most._ Some things can never fully heal, leaving behind residual marks, impairments or imperfections. Scars. Jane wonders what Maura’s scars will look like.


	2. Foreign Language

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title insp. Foreign Language by Anberlin.

“Can’t sleep either huh?” Jane’s gruff voice sounds from darkness on the couch when she hears Maura pad in quietly.

Maura gasps, flicking on the kitchen light, “Oh, Jane… There you are! You scared me I thought-”

Jane sits up immediately, blinking against the harsh white light. Her feet hit the cold floorboards and she rises with long strides to meet Maura quickly, “Sorry, I- are you okay?”

She does not answer immediately and instead leans into Jane, winding her arms around the thin frame of her partner and ducking her head down to her shoulder, “Have I ever told you how much I enjoy the timbre of your voice?”

“No,” Jane responds, caressing Maura’s golden waves with one hand and her back with the other, “but something tells me you’re about to enlighten me.”

Maura smiles, taking comfort in being able to feel the resonating hum brought on by the vibration of Jane’s vocal cords through their contact, “There’s deepness in your voice that I find I can listen to indefinitely, even if you’re talking about baseball and I can’t understand half of the words you’re using.”

“Are you saying I sound like a man?” Jane teases lightly, not taking any offense.

“Of course not, I’m merely implying that I enjoy listening to the frequency of your voice, it resonates with me.”

“Is that so Doctor Isles?” Jane asks, intentionally lowering her voice to accentuate the roughness in her natural accent.

Maura hums appreciatively, “You did that on purpose.” She states.

“Mm mm, and what if I did?” Jane lets go and tries to look in her eyes but Maura’s grip tightens like a snake being given inch of space around its prey so she puts her hands back as they were with a little, “Ooo-kay.”

“Please keep talking.” Maura requests quietly, a word Jane is finding herself applying to Maura more with each passing hour and she does not like it.

“Umm, okay sure, but how about we move to the couch first, can you do that Babe?” Jane brushes over Maura’s hair, wondering if the warmth she feels is coming from her or Maura who does not attempt to move. Jane starts to move them herself all the while holding her, walking backwards, “I need a topic first.”

“Anything, I just want to hear you.” Maura follows Jane’s steps, allowing herself to be guided over to the couch and then sitting down with a leg under her when they reach it, adjusting her head onto Jane’s shoulder as they sit.

Jane begins to play with the ends of Maura’s unevenly cut hair, picking up a curl and rubbing the strands between her fingers until they fall back onto the shoulder of their owner and she repeats the process, “I remember you once wrote a poem about me.”

“Three.” Maura mumbles tiredly, “But I only let Kent read out that one because I knew I could get away with that verse if I mentioned everyone.”

“I still think it’s very sweet.”

“Noted.” Maura acknowledges sleepily, “Tell me a story, something happy.”

“Have I ever told you about the time I saved a little old lady and her grandson at a Red Sox game?”

“No.” Maura mumbles, closing her eyes and adjusting the position of her head on Jane’s shoulder.

“Okay well picture this; it’s a cold day out at Fenway park with the rain coming in and there’s talk of shortening the match due to the weather. We’re in the bottom of the 6th innings, the bases are loaded and we’re tied with the Yankees, which I’m sure by now I don’t have to explain the significance of. This is way back now, González is up and it’s possible that this is gonna be the last pitch so it’s up to him to get this right and give us the win and  _ oh boy  _ does he deliver. He hits it  _ hard  _ and we’re all watching how far it’s going to go; will it be a home run? The ball keeps on coming, right towards us and now I’m thinking it’s going to land in the crowd so I look behind me to see if I’ve got any competition on catching this thing and there’s this frail little old lady sitting there with her two-year-old grandson in her lap. I look back and sure enough the ball is coming  _ straight  _ for them, so I stand on my chair and hope to god that I can pull this off…” Jane pauses, a proud smile on her face with the memory, “I caught it. Damn near broke my hand with the speed it was moving, but I caught it. The poor woman never even knew it was coming she was so preoccupied.”

“Did you get to keep it?” Maura whispers, struggling to stay awake between listening to Jane and the entrancing motions she makes playing with her hair.

“Yes, I did. Frankie was both excited and mad as all hell when he found out. He was supposed to come with me that day but wasn’t able to make it.”

Jane settles into a zone, calmly meandering along with her thoughts aloud, drifting between happy stories from her childhood, baseball and work until eventually Maura stops responding and she realizes that she is now trapped on the couch in this position with her best friend using her as a pillow. She does not mind though, not really, because she wants to be there for Maura, to protect her, to hold her, provide reassurance, love, and tonight a shoulder to sleep on. She does not move, resigned to her spot on the couch and tipping her head back to gaze at the ceiling, pondering how Maura would react if she stuck glow-in-the-dark stars up there. Jane smiles, almost laughs, when she imagines how Maura would first object to the tape being stuck to the ceiling for fear it would strip the paint, and then secondarily scold her for not at least putting them in factually correct constellations let alone proper spacing and to scale with planets or other common space objects.

_ Yeah, that sounds like something Maura would do. _

With the silence and nowhere to go it is not long before she too manages to fall asleep in the company of her best friend, both sleeping soundly for the first time in what feels like weeks. They remain like that through what little remains of the night and into the morning even as Angela comes quietly sneaking in after the run rises, placing a blanket over the pair and leaving them alone, returning to the guest house to make coffee for herself without fear of waking them up. She had hoped to be able to talk to the pair before any of them could be called off to work, but for now having sighted the two women and knowing they were getting some sleep would be enough to get her through the day. She could call in later.

Jane wakes first when the sun’s rays strike her face and force her into the conscious realm. It takes her a few seconds of fighting with the constraining material wrapped around her and trying to get up to remember where she is and who is still sleeping on her shoulder before she resumes stillness. She puts her arm down on Maura’s back and quietly hopes the doctor will wake soon because her body is stiff and the aches are mounting by the moment but she does not want to disturb her rest. Jane tries to distract herself with her thoughts and it occurs to her that now is the perfect time to start unpacking her thoughts and feelings regarding the woman curled into her. She thinks back on their interactions with the filter of a relationship and it occurs to her nothing really has to change between them with this development.

_ Our history has bonded us together. I can think of no stronger connection than the one I share with Maura; I’d kill or die for her if need be. I would do anything to protect her and I suppose, nothing would really be changing between us, we’d just be adding another layer to the relationship we already have established. A physical one. I’m not the best with that but I can adapt. _

Jane looks down at Maura in her arms, idly stroking her back unconsciously.

_ Yeah, I don’t think that’ll be too hard. I’d also be afforded more opportunities to be close to keep an eye on her. I’m going to be more vigilant in keeping tabs on everyone, I need to figure out who their next target is and prevent this from escalating further. _

Jane feels Maura shift against her and she looks down as much as she can, watching her return to the land of the living with confused eyes that sharpen slightly when they land on her and the position they’ve been in for the last four hours, “Oh, God. Jane, I’m so sorry. I fell asleep on you.” she sits up quickly, pushing the blanket away and looking around the room for her bearings.

“It’s okay Maura, we both needed sleep.” Jane replies while taking the chance to stretch her limbs in front of her, “How do you feel?”

Maura does not answer immediately, pausing and looking remarkably like a machine running system diagnostics and analysis. Much like the basic trouble-shooters, she comes up empty, “I don’t know. I’m not really sure how I  _ should  _ feel.” there is a touch of surprise in her voice, “Phlegmatic perhaps?”

“Phlegm what now?” Jane asks with a raised eyebrow, “Isn’t that to do with like…” she makes a gesture as though there is something coming out of her nose, “to do with snot?”

“Phlegm is yes, it’s the thick viscous substance secreted by the mucous membranes of the respiratory passages,” Maura watches Jane squirm in disgust with mild amusement, “But phlegmatic has nothing to do with nasal by-products, it is best described as an unemotional and calm disposition.”

“Speak plain and to the purpose!” Jane puts on a deep voice, attempting to sound sophisticated and important.

“Oh! Shakespeare!” Maura becomes excited with Jane’s demonstration of literature knowledge, ready to launch into an explanation of the original context of the quote but notices her immediate disinterest and redirects herself, answering, “Apathetic, if you will.”

“You couldn’t have just said  _ numb _ ?”

“That would not have been nearly as fun.” Maura states, smiling when Jane does, “How about you Jane?”

“I’m alright.” She rubs her hands together and then scratches behind her ear, catching Maura’s analysing eyes and then falling still. She tries again, “I’m tired, I guess… Worried about you, and Ma, and Frankie, and Korsak.”

“I’ll be okay,” Maura assures, “I shouldn’t need more than twenty-four hours to get things sorted and I’m confident that Kent can step in until tomorrow. I just need to see my hair dresser and -”

“Twenty-four hours?” It takes Jane a second to catch up. “Maura! You just went through hell, take a couple days off, you’ve got the time and no one expects you at work today- or this week for that matter. Give yourself some time, you deserve it.”

“Thank you Jane. I appreciate your concern but I would rather keep busy and I would like to be back in the office tomorrow.”

“I-” Jane starts to argue, but then pauses, recognising this might be a losing battle. They can both be stubborn but if there is one thing Jane understands about coping with traumatic experiences, it’s diving into work and distractions. “Okay,” she agrees, “Tomorrow. But we’re not going anywhere near the precinct today alright?”

“We?” Maura questions, “You’re not going into work? You haven’t willingly taken a day off in-”

“Years. I know, I’m sure they won’t let me forget it either. It won’t be a problem.” Jane searches for her phone holder on her hip, sliding it out and unlocking the device with practiced motions.

“I must say I’m surprised.”

“Well I’m not letting you leave my sight.” Jane mumbles distractedly as she types out her late request for leave to Korsak.

“Are you sure you’re alright Jane? You’re not usually the clingy type.”

“I don’t  _ do _ clingy. I’m protective.” Jane corrects without looking up.

“So you like to say. Hm,” Maura’s mind turns over to medical articles she has read, looking for reason behind Jane’s behaviour, “Perhaps you’re experiencing a form of separation anxiety or mild para-”

“They’ve already had one go at you, I don’t intend to let anyone get to you again.” Jane looks up her, her tone is hard and her expression fierce, displaying her passion and desire to protect those around her.

“Jane.” Maura admonishes, surprised by the sudden shift in her demeanour and feeling claustrophobic at the prospect of Jane following her everywhere, “You can’t be watching me for the rest of your life because-”

“It won’t be for the rest of my life, just until I know you’re safe.”

“It’s absurd!” Maura argues, “I don’t need you hovering over me. I appreciate your support and concern for me but it’s going to be hard for me to start to move on if I know I’m still being watched and perceive there is still a threat. I can’t go about my day if I’m worrying that I’m going to be attacked, I-”

“That’s why I’ll be there! Or if I can’t be then I’ll have an officer with you-”

“No.” Maura says firmly, “That doesn’t make me feel safe Jane, it’s the opposite, it-it makes me feel paranoid and claustrophobic. I need my space, I need things to go back to normal, and I work in a building  _ surrounded  _ by police officers and detectives, I can’t imagine a safer place to work in these circumstances. Why can’t you let me do that?” Maura asks as it dawns on her in that moment that the problem is not entirely her safety (although that does hold weight to the argument too), but Jane’s own fears that she will not admit to either of them.

“Because I care about you Maura!” Jane snaps in anger and immediately regrets the way she has said it, pulling her tone back down and revealing the hurt and guilt inside that is really eating away at her, “I feel bad enough that I already let this happen to you, I won’t make the same mistake again okay? I can’t, I-I just  _ can’t. _ ”

“Can’t what?” Maura wants clarification.

“Can’t see this happen to you again, can’t see Ma get hurt. What if they go after Frankie next? Or worse, Tommy or little TJ? Oh God  _ TJ! _ ” Jane looks back down at the phone still in her hand, deleting her original message to Korsak and instead opting to ask if anyone has been in contact with her brother and nephew, “I hadn’t even thought about him, how could I forget-”

“Jane.” Maura grabs both of Jane’s wrists, holding tight when she tries to tug herself free in her sudden hysteria.

“Maura! Let me go.” Jane uses her self-defence training to free herself, twisting out of Maura’s grasp but Maura takes hold of her again, “I need to message Korsak, I have to-”

“Stop.” Maura commands firmly. Jane does. She freezes entirely in place, waiting for Maura to speak, “Tommy is fine and I don’t believe this person will go after TJ, he’s still a child and while he is a close relative I theorise that this person is more interested in tormenting you rather than intending to kill anyone.”

“Theorise? Maura they’ve already killed! There are bodies lying in your morgue, that you autopsied, what do you  _ mean _ you don’t think they intend to kill?” She punctuates her sentence in the waving of her phone as though she bodies she spoke of where on the coffee table in front of them.

“I think that this is exactly what they want.” Maura speaks calmly, hoping Jane will find it catching, “They’re toying with you Jane. They are trying to hurt you by making you watch what they can do to your loved ones, taking what you hold most dear to demonstrate that they can to make you feel like you have no control. They’re drawing this out to be as painful as possible. Harris could have killed me at any time but he didn’t, I don’t think it was part of the plan. That would have been too easy for them and most likely draw too much attention given my position, no, I believe that was a power play. Psychologically speaking it’s sadistic. They’re deriving pleasure, usually sexually though not necessarily in this case, in forcing you to watch others suffer, knowing you can’t do anything to stop them.” Maura explains.

“They could still hurt TJ without killing him,” Jane argues, “I gotta warn Tommy and make sure he’s somewhere safe.”

“Jane they won’t go after a toddler.”

“How do you know? He’d be a perfect target because he can’t fight back.” Jane tries not to imagine the horror that could be inflicted on the boy, the damage that could be done to his growing body and impair him for life.  

“Because he can’t talk Jane.” Maura puts simply, “He can’t tell you what’s happened to him and I believe, based on the evidence, that this was a very well thought out plan from the effort they’ve gone to in order to hide their tracks, all the way down to the clues they have left. Everything has been meticulously thought out. It’s likely they have spent  _ years  _ planning this and-” she didn’t want to say that she thinks Harris would have ended up on her table regardless of Jane’s actions, that was too close to guessing but she did recognise it as a possibility. That point however did not seem as important as the next one that she was so desperately trying to get across to Jane and she opts to skip right to it. “Look at what’s happening now: You’re here listening to me and watching over me, blaming yourself for something you had no control over and it _ kills _ you every time I cry, I see it in your eyes. TJ can’t give you that, he’s too young to process any of it and they know that. They won’t take him.”

The words slide over Jane like ice water, her analysis of their unknown suspect makes sense to her but she does not like it one bit, “Are you saying…?” Jane stops, she does not want to finish her sentence in case she is right.

“Sometimes living can be worse than dying.” Maura states in conclusion, “I have my suspicions that this may be the effect they are going for. Now a toddler can’t express thought or experience so their methods wouldn’t hold the same effect on an undeveloped child as it would an adult since they’d be too likely to repress the memories and bounce back. The alternative would be to kill him but it would be too simple in comparison to their previous tactics.”

Jane hates the idea that person is smarter than physical threats and going after a much harder target that she can’t necessarily protect, even if means her young nephew is safe. She sits there, phone still in her hand, trying to digest Maura’s words but now unsure what she is supposed to do with this information, “Then what should I do?”

“Go back to work. Follow the evidence- Catch this bastard Jane, but they aren’t coming back for me.” Maura decides not to mention that she does not believe for a second that it is over. She expects there will be more bodies, more hidden clues, more hurt, perilous situations, tears, scars. But she holds onto the firm belief that Jane is smarter and with everyone helping her it  _ will  _ come to an end for nothing lasts forever. The best thing she can do now is get back to work, even if she doesn’t fully believe her own words regarding her safety. The idea of being taken again terrifies her.

“And I will, believe me; I will go to work but not today. I need to make sure that you’re safe and…” Jane pauses to let her thoughts catch up with her words but resorts to bargaining instead, “Tonight I’ll go back to my place if you let me stay with you today. Alright?”

Maura thinks it over for a second, “Alright.” she agrees with a single nod.

Jane sighs in relief, dropping her shoulder’s down that she’d not realised she had been keeping so tense, “Thank you,” she leans and kisses Maura cheek before returning to the text she had been trying to draft. Erasing her message again, Jane starts from scratch to sound less panicked and ensure she gets across all the points the conversation has racked up.

_ Leave for the day, protection detail to stay on Maura, potential need for protective custody for Tommy and TJ- _

With Jane’s attention focused on her phone and the list of people she needs to make sure cannot be touched, she doesn’t get to see the analytical look on Maura’s face. Maura turns over everything she has just said to Jane, trying using it to bolster her own confidence and reassure herself that she is safe now. She did not lie, she doesn’t want a crew of people following her everywhere she goes, implying there is still a threat to her life, she wants to move on from that, but nonetheless the fear does remain present.

“I need things to be as normal as they can.” Maura admits quietly, almost talking to herself as she stares off into space with her own thoughts, “I trust you implicitly and I know you will go above and beyond to ensure the safety of everyone, but in doing so you’ll inevitably neglect yourself.” She looks up at Jane now, consciously blinking and talking directly to her this time, “I need you to promise me that you’ll look out for yourself,  _ please _ don’t take any unnecessary risks.”

“I promise I’ll do my best.” Jane responds sincerely, but her chosen words are calculated to avoiding promising saving her life over another’s.

“ _ No. _ ” Maura says firmly, reaching for Jane’s hand to express the importance of this to her, “We’re in this together now. I need you to promise me that the next time you’re in a life-threatening situation you will think about me- you want to protect me Jane?” The detective nods immediately, about to add her verbal confirmation, “Then protect  _ yourself _ . Next time you’re going to be a hero, think about those you’re leaving behind if you fail. You are so incredibly brave Jane, and selfless, it’s one of the things I love about you but unfortunately I don’t share that quality to quite the same extent as you; I’m selfish and I don’t want you to be the next body on my table.”

“I-” Jane’s words stop before her jaw does, she cannot find words or even thoughts to start composing a response.

“Please, Jane.” Maura grips her hand tightly, “Promise me you’ll stop running towards danger?”

“Maura…” Jane drops eye contact, “I don’t know if I can do that. I understand that this is very important to you but… I made a promise to the people of this city that I would protect and serve, and if need be to die for its’ citizens. You said it yourself that it’s not in my nature to look the other way, I-” she stops herself before saying she doesn’t know how Maura can ask that of her, and takes a stalling breath, then resumes eye contact, “It’s part of my job, but I promise that in future I will think of you and be careful. I’ll do everything I can to make sure I come home at the end of the day.”

_ A compromise. One of many I’m sure.   _

Maura releases a shuddering breath, nodding in acknowledgement and realising that this is the best she’s going to get from Jane, “Do you remember when you jumped off a bridge to save that prosecutor, Paul Wescourt?”

“Yeesss, it was the most terrifying moment of my life, I’ll never forget it.”

“You remember how I became distant because I was angry at you?”

“Yes, you didn’t talk to me for almost a week, I had to chase you down to get you to even look at me.”

“I was terrified Jane,” Maura starts to explain, “because I caught a glimpse of what it would be like to lose you and it’s true what they say; you don’t know how important something is until you lose it. I thought I’d lost you and it occurred to me then how deeply I care about you and it terrified me. It still does if I’m being honest.”

Jane tries to think back how long that had been, how long Maura had been harbouring her feelings in secret, slowly killing herself with the knowledge she could not share. She’s seen first-hand the effect holding such a burden has had on Maura in the past and hates to speculate what it might have done to her now, “Maura that was almost a year ago! You mean to say you’ve known all this time and never said anything?” Maura nods. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“I couldn’t. I had gotten you back despite the odds but then the only thing more terrifying than you deceased, would be for you to find out and hate me for it. I couldn’t risk losing your friendship just because you didn’t reciprocate the feelings I had just discovered.”  

Jane chewed on her bottom lip, knowing this is where she’s supposed to say that she does reciprocate and reassure Maura that everything would have, and will be, okay, but she can’t lie about this, “I really hadn’t thought about it much.” She answers honestly.

“But you did think about it?” Maura asks for clarification, drawing her knees up to her chest and winding her arms around them.

“Yeah, doesn’t everyone think like that about their friends occasionally?”

“I don’t think so.”

“I just… didn’t want to question what we had, it was a little too much to think about, you know? That line of thinking came with a lot of questions and it was easier and safer to shut them down before they gained any traction.”

“Is it still too overwhelming for you?” Maura asks, not bothering to hide the concern laced in her voice.

“Not entirely, no, now that I know your big secret,” Jane teases, “and have… accepted my own reactions. It’s surprising more than anything. Yesterday morning I woke up worried I was going to be responsible for the death of the Chief Medical Examiner of Massachusetts and my best friend but now I stand to lose my- partner? Is that the right word? Girlfriend?” she questions, looking for other words she might be able to use in reference to Maura.

Maura shrugs, “Whichever word you like. I prefer ‘partner’; it sounds more professional and mature.”

Jane nods, “Partner. Yeah that sounds okay. It might take a couple of days for that to really sink in.”

Maura understands, she’s had a year to think and reflect on the nature of their relationship, it was only natural that Jane needed some time to sort herself out and get on the same page. “I loved you as a friend first, then somewhere along the way it became more and it took losing you to realise how much I needed you, but I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“I understand now.” Jane responds with an emphasis implying the last twenty-four hours have been her version of Maura’s awakening.

“And for that I’m grateful, even if you can’t say you love me.”

“I do love you,” Jane rebuts, “You’re family. You’ve been family for a long time, just ask Ma.”

“That’s not quite what I mean.”

“I know.” Jane admits, “I’m sorry, I have some catching up to do but I’ll get there. A lot’s happened in the last couple days.”

“Are you sure?”

“About us?” Maura nods, “One way to find out.”

Maura tilts her head in thought, trying to understand where Jane is going, “What’s that?”

“Kiss me again.” Jane demands gently, watching as Maura freezes in response and does not move a muscle, not even to draw in air, “Breathe, Maura,” she whispers, rolling up onto her knees and leaning over her. She waits till Maura finishes her inhale before slowly leaning in, giving her time to complete another respiration cycle before she closes the distance between them and kisses her, holding her chin up with two fingers. Jane is gentle and slow, taking stock of the little shiver that ripples through her at the contact, confirming that even though she has not yet thought through it all, this is indeed right and she cannot argue with the results.

Maura relaxes under her lips, uncoiling her body and meeting Jane halfway, rising up on her knees to join her, tilting her head of her own accord. She slides her palms along the detective’s jaw and Jane accommodates her movements, moving her own body back so they can be closer and upright together, her hands falling to Maura’s hips as they kiss.

Jane nips at Maura’s bottom lip, pulling on it for a second before separating and resting their foreheads together. She practically purrs predatorily on her next breath for Maura’s benefit, teasing her, “That was exquisite.”

“I concur.” Maura breathes her agreement, no longer doubting Jane’s interest in her and noting with surprise how quickly she seems to have adjusted to the idea of them even if her words say otherwise, “You catch up quick.”

“You made me run a marathon; I think I can keep up.”

“Is that so?” Maura quirks an eyebrow.

“Maura, no, that was not a challenge! Oh God what have I got myself into.” Jane rubs her face in mock exasperation and sits back.

Maura grins, and finally, laughs. She enjoys the light feeling it gives her body and the way it makes Jane smile in return.

_ Perhaps, _ Maura wonders,  _ it is not just time that heals all wounds, but love too. It’s a start. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For now this is the end, although I have been thinking about this a lot and trying to see if I can make something more out of it.


	3. Champion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~4-5 months later~ surprise update!  
> Title inspiration: Fall Out Boy - Champion, because if I can live through this, then I really can do anything.  
> Set at the start of 6x14

Two quiet and nerve wracking weeks go by without incident but both Maura and Jane are still dealing with the aftermath in their own ways. Maura’s sleep has been fitful with nightmares of varying themes and tonight is no different. Resigning herself to another long night of sleep deprivation and taking the advice of her therapist she rises, pulling on her discarded pair of pajamas, grabbing her journal, and padding quietly down the stairs to her kitchen. 

Maura flicks on the light, placing the book on the island bench and stifling a yawn as she sets about putting the kettle on the stove for a calming cup of green tea. While she waits for the water to come to come to temperature she takes a seat, opening her journal to the page bookmarked by her pen and then staring out into space, pondering how best to start writing her newest entry. 

Should she start with recounting the fading events of her latest nightmare? Or perhaps the moment when she woke up and felt the phantom pain between her fourth and fifth ribs? Maybe the lingering fears these dreams remind her of? 

Maura starts with the date and time but gets no further because creaking draws her attention. She looks to her right to where she believes it has come from, scared by what she might see but deciding that offence could be her best defence. Maura slips off the chair, book in hand as her weapon and silently steps towards her living area. It is dimly lit between the kitchen light and the moon reflecting the sun’s rays but enough for her to see that there is no one standing there. 

Confused, Maura turns on the lamp only to find her partner sleeping on her couch uninvited. “Jane!” Maura scolds, recalling the detective had told her she would not be staying over in order to give her the space she had asked for.

“What is it?” Jane asks, flying upright before she is fully conscious, anticipating a threat, “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Maura parrots, “What are you doing here?”

“Uhhhhhmmmm,” Jane scans her environment for threats but finds nothing, sitting up properly and pushing the blanket off her, “Uh, I-I was just stopping by.” It sounds flimsy even as she says it but in the heat of the moment she can't find a better excuse for her being there other than telling the truth which she avoids. 

Maura doesn’t believe her for a second but lowers her book in realisation and disappointment, “You were watching us.” she states, finding the statement of fact leaves her feeling mildly upset that Jane has been lying to her. 

“No.” Jane immediately denies, breaking eye contact and rubbing her sleepy eyes.

This only serves to frustrate Maura, she doesn’t like being lied to even if she understands Jane’s motives and the fear driving them, “How long have you been sneaking in?” 

“It’s not sneaking, I have a key.” Jane defends, rubbing tiredly at her face and avoiding the question.

“I understand the nervousness, but this,” Maura gestures to Jane and the couch, moving around it to stand next to her, “is not a solution.” 

“It’s just until we catch him Maura.” In the absence of a threat, tiredness seeps into Jane’s voice, hunched over with her elbows on her knees as she slides her hands into her hair, scratching her scalp. 

Maura takes a seat next to her partner with a small sigh, waiting till Jane pushes her hair out of her face and makes eye contact, “You need to talk to someone.” Maura states and Jane pulls a face in disagreement, continuing to run her fingers through her hair so Maura tries to persuade her through anecdotal evidence, “Melanie has been really helpful, she’s given me a lot of tools to help me cope with having been abducted. Everytime I feel anxious or scared, I just write in my journal. It’s a way of voiding the onset of PTSD.” 

“So what are you doing up in the middle of the night?” 

Maura takes a breath before responding, taking the precious few seconds to find the best response to Jane’s point, “It’s a process.” 

“Right, well, we’ll see how your therapy goes and then maybe I’ll consider talking to somebody.”

It is typical of Jane to avoid talking about her emotions or seeing a professional, she never has been one to admit help when she needs it, particularly regarding her mental health. Maura theories that it could be in part due to the stigma in the police force surrounding psychologists and their general attitude that they don’t need help. She’s also very aware of Jane’s dislike for anyone seeing her weak, hurt or broken, recalling how she had requested a new partner after Korsak had seen her vulnerable in her encounter with Hoyt.

The kettle sounds it’s arrival to boiling point, startling both women and they raise their respective weapons, only to lower them a moment later, Jane looking thoroughly unimpressed while Maura manages a single laugh at the situation. 

“I didn’t know you slept with your gun.” Maura prompts upon watching the equally sleep deprived detective miss her holster a few times in attempting to put her firearm in it. 

“I don’t. But I’m not going to let someone get the drop on me unarmed.” Jane grumbles, successfully locking her gun in place and picking up the orange blanket she had been using, beginning to fold it so she won’t have to look Maura in the eye. “You were going to hit me with a book?” She asks, holding the blanket between her chin and collarbone so she can reach both corners of the fabric and pull them together. 

Maura looks down at her journal. “Anything can be a weapon if you get creative and have enough knowledge of the human anatomy.” She starts off towards the screeching kettle, pulling it off the burner and turning the stove top off.

“There’s a block of knives right there,” Jane points to them on the kitchen island, dropping the folded blanket onto the couch, “Next time you go poking around at night, take one of those with you.” 

“Given I have no training with knives it would be unwise to take up a weapon that I can not properly use. It would be more likely that the weapon would be taken and turned on me, and those knives are not intended to be used on human skin and bone. Better to go in unarmed than provide an intruder with one.” Maura explains as she retrieves her favourite mug and readies the tea leaves, noting that the boiling water is now above the optimal temperature for green tea.

“Okay that is a terrible plan and you’re going to get yourself killed. Next time you hear noises in the night, don’t go investigating then. Call me and lock yourself in the bathroom.” Jane pads heavily over to the island, taking a seat where Maura had vacated earlier. 

“I have self defense training.” 

“Bullets don’t care.” 

“Have you been going home at all?” Maura asks, changing the subject back to Jane’s intrusion. 

“Of course.” Jane had intended to leave her answer at that, but she caught the skeptical look Maura sent over shoulder and amended, “I’d go home, eat if I felt like it, shower, change, and come over once I was sure you’d be asleep.”

“You haven’t been eating?”

“Neither have you.” Jane retorts, resting her chin in her palm and wishing for either more sleep or a cup of coffee.  

Maura recognises the truth in her words, but rather than address it she turns to another observation, “You must have been getting up awfully early for me not to see you in the mornings.” 

“Doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter!” Maura argues, “You need your sleep, and by my estimate between waiting for me to go sleep and making sure you leave before I get up, you must only be getting five hours of sleep a night. That’s not nearly close enough to the recommended eight for an adult. Did you know that sleep deprivation is as bad as intoxication? It’s worse in some situations, like driving for instance, there have been studies that clearly demonstrate the correlation of one's skill while driving sleep deprived being three to ten times worse than driving under the influence of alcohol. You wouldn’t drive to work or fire a gun while drunk so by the same logic you shouldn’t do any of these things while sleep deprived either.”

Jane decides not to correct her math and admit that it is closer to three or four hours sleep, depending on if she sleeps at all with the anxiety and nightmares she finds herself silently struggling with. “I’ll be fine so long as you and Ma are fine.” 

“‘I’m fine if you’re fine’ is not a healthy ideology.” 

“Neither is being lax about personal security or getting abducted.” 

Maura sighs, “Jane… This isn’t sustainable.” trying not to take a personal offence to Jane’s potential implication that she was in someway at fault for what happened with Harris. 

“It doesn’t need to last forever, I’ll be outta your hair soon.”

“I really think you should speak to a professional, someone who can give you unbiased advice to help you deal with these issues of paranoia and anxiety.”

“I’m not paranoid.” Jane denies, even in the face of the evidence against her. Maura doesn’t need to say anything to the contrary, her pointed look says enough as she softly glares at her. “I’m okay. I don’t need to talk to anyone, and besides, I have you.” 

“I’m not and can’t be your therapist Jane. Nor can I be your only outlet. If you’re worried someone might see you or say something about seeing the department shrink, there are plenty of others out there.” 

Jane grunts noncommittally by means of acknowledgement, surprised at the hurt that comes with Maura’s words, “Look, Maura I-” Jane hesitates, she doesn’t want to relive the memories, doesn’t want to acknowledge her long standing trauma but even now she’s looking down at her hands, at the permanent, physical reminder that never faded away, much like the mental scars, “I’ve been where you are.” Jane’s voice shakes and she opens her palms to Maura to demonstrate what she’s talking about without having to say his name.

“I remember.” Maura’s voice drops to a whisper and on instinct draws nearer to her.

“When we found that body, and someone left a flare outside my apartment, you knew I wasn’t sleeping and you came around my place to guard me, spouting the statics of my weapon…”

“You taught me the theory of how to shoot.” Maura finishes and Jane sniffs, braving the memories to get her point across.

“I was exhausted and you were always there for me, I spent most of that night in a semi conscious state and I didn’t even know that was possible to do while still technically sleeping. I was terrified that if he came after me he would hurt you too for protecting me.” Jane smiles for a moment in anticipation of sharing her next sentence, “You looked really good holding my gun.” Maura smiles at the memory, a moment of friendship shared between the two in the middle of a harrowing experience. “You wouldn’t leave me.” Jane finishes, finally looking up at Maura with wet eyes, “Not when you could barely keep your eyes open, or when wearing yesterday’s dress was bothering you every time you moved, not even when I went for coffee with that fed, Agent Dean. Do you know why I was so scared?”

“Because a serial killer was out to get you, yet again?” Maura hypothesised, to her the question didn’t need to be asked. Jane’s fear was natural, expected, human. “Because your life was in danger and that monster had beaten you before? Because he threatened your safety, your mind, your job, and your life?”

Jane unwillingly recalls the moment it happened; the hard gravel ground of the basement under her and Hoyt leaning over her, trailing the scalpel down her jaw gently so as not to break her skin before slamming it through her hand. She had screamed, knew it was exactly what he wanted her to do, and she hated the look of satisfaction it gave him, trying her best to breathe through the excruciating pain and not give him any further pleasure. Part of her mind taunting her that she wasn’t tied down, if she could just  _ move  _ but she wasn’t able to maintain consciousness.

Jane remembered being in hospital and refusing to eat, refusing to be helped with her activities of daily living, refusing to let Korsak speak to her or see her. She fought the nurses when they tried to assist her and she resisted her mother's tears when she begged to let her help. Jane fought to not be seen as a victim as much she fought her trembling, damaged hands for control. She could hear the nurses at their station as they complained about how difficult she was, sending a student to deal with her instead and then becoming angry when she was able to get Jane to behave.

_ “Jane?” The student had called, struggling to knock on the door and hold the food tray as well.  _

_ “Enter.” Jane replied, tone even and dull.  _

_ “I’m Alex,” The young woman introduces herself as she places the tray on the table, “I’m here to assist you with breakfast this morning, I’m a student on industry placement with the hospital for a few weeks.” _

_ “Assist with a meal is just a diplomatic way of saying ‘feed me’.” Jane growls, glaring at her bandaged hands and then at the nurse in training. _

_ Alex pulls up the guest chair and starts to prepare a bowl of cereal, undeterred, “It must be difficult,” she starts, holding up the sugar packets and silently asking if Jane wants them in her breakfast, “one day you’re independent, in charge of your life and serving your city and then suddenly someone is sitting next to you trying to spoon feed you. I imagine it must feel quite humiliating and degrading.” _

_ “I can feed myself.” Jane defends, hoping that she can intimitade this young woman to leave her alone, “Try anything and our places will be reversed.” _

_ “Oh I know you can, I’m not here to judge you or do things for you that you’re capable of doing,” Alex says, pushing the bowl of soaking cereal towards her with a spoon. “I’m here only if you need me.” She leans back in the chair, picking up the magazine from the table and rifling through it. “Just say the word and until then, pretend like I’m not even here.”  _

Jane closes her eyes against the onslaught of memories and tries to visualise a better time; running through a park, going to Fenway with her father as a child, teasing Frankie about his crushes, following Maura to high class events at art galleries where people spend more money on alcohol than she makes in a week. Her hand gravitates to her gun, running her fingers over the detail in the grip and reassuring her that she is safe. It’s a strategy she learned in the mandatory therapy sessions following her abduction and she uses it to ground herself, reminding herself of where she is now and that she is safe. 

Maura waits patiently as the second tick by slowly, watching Jane closely.

When Jane does speak, remembering why she’s reliving it all again, defensive sarcasm slips in momentarily. “Because Hoyt always went after couples before he decided that I was the big challenge he needed to conquer, and we know serial killers develop patterns, habits, a ritual, and I was afraid that in the absence of a husband for him to go after that he would take the next closest thing as a substitute and force me to watch them be raped and murdered.”

“Me?” Maura questions, fairly certain of the answer based upon Jane’s behaviour and the direction of conversation.

“You.” Jane’s voice cracks and she stops herself from saying anything further that would let the emotions out, but then decides that Maura is worth it and it will be beneficial for her to hear, “ _ That  _ is what I kept seeing if I managed to fall asleep. If it wasn’t my own death then it was situations where I had failed to protect you and it was worse than being awake with Hoyt after me. You confided in me at the time you felt neglected in your childhood, that you didn’t know how to ask for things and I won’t repeat your parents mistakes, okay? I won’t neglect you and I won’t leave you when you need me most, just like you didn’t leave me then.”

The significance of Jane talking about her experience with Hoyt is not lost on Maura, she understands the parallels Jane is drawing between her past experiences and now, and she is relieved that Jane is opening up to talk to her and explain her motives but she has to point out the differences too.

“You’re not leaving me Jane, and you have never neglected me. What I need from you now though, is for you to be honest with me and allow me some space when I ask for it. I love you Jane, but for us to work we need to have open communication and boundaries. Sneaking in every night is not respecting my boundaries or healthy for you.”

Jane sniffs again, trying to keep at bay the emotions and memories she’s dug up and starting to regret having brought them up at all, “I need to do this Maura. I need to know that you’re safe and until we know who we can trust, I need to do this myself.”

“Do you remember the word you used to describe the behaviour your brother and I were exhibiting when we tried to look after you with Hoyt?”

“No?”

“Hovering.”

“And even with all that hovering, even with my brother in my apartment, and cops patrolling my floor-” Jane starts to defend, getting riled up.

“I remember.” Maura interrupts, closing her eyes against her own tears briefly, “And what I didn’t tell you was that I felt guilty-”

“And I didn’t tell you that I broke it off with Agent Dean because I wasn’t ready for someone to care about me like that.” Jane counters in the heat of the moment and then drops the anger from her tone, knowing it won’t help either of them, “Somehow… somehow you slipped through the cracks and even though you were doing the exact same thing, I didn’t notice, or care. One of the two… Or, both. And now I feel guilty because  _ I  _ should have known sooner and  _ I  _ should have-”

“You’re not psychic Jane, you couldn’t have seen this coming and this is not your fault.”

“You’re using my words against me?” Jane questions, recognising them as the same ones she said to Maura after she had expressed her frustration that she hadn’t been there, or seen the connection, or stopped them from getting hurt.

“Yes.” 

“I’m surprised you remember that.” 

“I remember everything Jane.” Maura answers simply, waiting for Jane’s response as she watches her struggle through her thoughts, but none comes. Licking her lips and running out of thought out points to say, she returns to her mug and pours in the water despite knowing it is too hot for the leaves. 

Quietly Maura’s been grappling with an idea that might just ease things for the both of them and their latest conversation makes her turn back to it. She idly steeps her tea while reflecting on her volatile state, for as much as she desperately wants things to go back to normal, she knows they aren’t. Maura knows that while she asks Jane for space, she also clings to the detective and the comfort she provides, contradicting and frustrating herself.

_ Perhaps I’m pushing myself too hard and by extension pushing Jane too hard for ‘normal’. But if Jane is already going to these extreme preventative measures on her own, then how would she act in response if I told her absolutely everything? She’s already so overwhelmed, overworked, over worried and bordering on paranoid, I fear that if I were to lean on her any more I might just break her. This whole ordeal has been just as hard for her and it’s clear now that it’s bringing up unresolved issues. I’m in no state right now to be able to support her when I am just barely functioning myself. I should see if perhaps I can arrange an earlier appointment with Melanie, she may have some advice.  _

_ I wish Jane wouldn’t be so stubborn about her pride, I’m not equipped to help her but maybe if I indulge her needs she can let her guard down and relax. Perhaps if I can show her that I’m okay-even though I’m not, she will calm down. There is a pattern repeating itself here and that pattern is Jane coming over when she’s scared. It’s helped in the passed, maybe if I... _

“Jane.” Maura calls in question. 

“Yeah?”

“Mm, no, nevermind.” Maura tries to backout, hoping to think on it some more when it is not three am and the dark of the night persuades her to make emotionally charged decisions.

Jane sits up from the bench that she had started dozing on, raising her head from her arms to look to look at Maura, “No, what is it?”

“It’s nothing.” Maura assures with a small smile and a dismissing wave, placing her tea and taking a seat next to her.

Jane, ever the detective, doesn’t quite believe it. There’s something in the way Maura smiles that does not seem sincere, perhaps even hiding something she does not want to lie about, “Are you sure? Looks like something.”

Maura does not answer right away, taking a moment to gather her thoughts with lowered eyes before asking, “I was just thinking that maybe I’m going about this backwards, maybe, we should break this cycle between us and you would sleep better if you stayed here? Maybe if instead of pushing you away, I should let you in, show you that we have nothing to fear now. I know that you’ve said you don’t want to live with your mother but, maybe if you were to move in you wouldn’t have to worry so much and it would ease this tension between us.” Her shoulders raise in unconscious fear of rejection, hands held tightly in front of her as she voices the thoughts she’s been grappling with since they first occurred to her. “And I know that back then, when everything was going on with Hoyt, it was very beneficial for me that you let me stay at your place and that you felt safe enough with me that you could rest. My point being that I can empathise with what you’re feeling and hope to return that favour.”

Jane knows her answer, it does not take even two seconds for all of her thoughts to come together and agree to the same solution, but she stalls as she stands up so she can comfort Maura, hands on her shoulders and looking softly into her eyes, “I’d like that.” she says gently, “Even with my mother ten feet away.” 

Maura deflates with a relieved breath, surprised to realise how tense she had been until she no longer was, “I think this will be good for us both. I can help you bring things over from Frankie’s?” she offers. 

“That’s okay, I don’t really have that much. I can pack it into my car before work and bring it around when shift is over, just some clothes and stuff.” 

“Are you sure? I can go to the store on my lunch break and get a few things if you need something?”

“Thanks, but I’m fine Maura.” Jane smiles, casually rubbing her arms, “Now can we please go to your bed? It’s so much more comfortable than your couch.”

“That’s because the couch isn’t designed to be slept on whereas the bed was created specifically for optimal sleep based off the results from scientific studies into rest and chronic back pain.”

“Hey, Google,” Jane teases, picking up Maura’s tea, “just take me to bed already.”

“Oh, right.” Maura picks up her journal from the bench and starts to lead the way to her bedroom, turning around while she’s halfway up the stairs, “Oh I get it, it’s a double entendre! Cos we’re dating now and you’re implying that I engage you in sexual intercourse.” 

Jane laughs gently at her nerd of a partner, shaking her head slightly and following her up the stairs, “Yes Maura, it was a pun. God, never change.” a moment of peace settles over Jane, relieved that Maura will let her be close. She places the tea on the nightstand on Maura’s side of the bed and intercepts her before she can slide in, pulling her into a hug, “Thank you.”

“I think we both need this.” Maura whispers, holding onto Jane tightly, grounding herself in the moment by focusing on her senses. She closes her eyes, drawing her attention to Jane’s strong arms around her, holding her so close that Maura can feel every movement of her respiratory system at work and she tries to sync their breath cycles. She’s aware of Jane’s hands on her back, the warmth radiating from them and heating her skin through the material of her pajamas. Maura notes that she can calculate Jane’s heart rate, her abdominal aorta pulsing against her and she counts the beats, find herself calm as she does. 

_ 76 beats per minute, normal for a fit and standing female.  _

“Thank you.” Maura whispers, drawing back and tenderly kissing Jane’s cheek and then her lips, lingering with her hand on Jane’s jaw until she takes it in hers, kissing her knuckles.

“C’mon, get some sleep.” Jane says softly, struggling internally with Maura’s soft gestures and suddenly feeling inadequate and undeserving of them.

_ Opposites. She’s like my complete opposite. Maura’s gentle, I’m rough, she’s feminine, I’m strong, scientifically gifted to my street smarts, introvert vs extrovert, brain to brawn, patient, impatient, tomboy, girly girl-  _

Maura pauses a beat, studying Jane’s expression before she eventually nods and starts to unbutton her shirt, snapping Jane from her thoughts. Jane rounds the bed and pulls back the covers, trying to shake herself out of her current mental zone. Maura slides into the bed and watches over her shoulder as Jane strips down to her underwear, places her holstered firearm on the nightstand and climbs in beside her, pulling her close.

“I forgot you sleep naked.” Jane mumbles upon the discovery of bare skin.

“Particularly in summer but I’ve found it rather enjoyable. As I told you before, it helps to lower body temperature.”

“I hate the cold.” 

“Unfortunately for you the idea that someone suffering hypothermia would benefit from being naked with another person, isn’t entirely true. The problem is that the external heat that would be provided by another body can reduce shivering. Shivering is an important self regulation that warms the body more effectively than mild external heating. However, it's not clear to me that external heat, including body heat from another, will cause harm. It may be that it doesn't help as much as we might think it would.” 

“What did I do deserve this?” Jane whispers, the sudden change in topic catching Maura off guard.

“You didn’t do anything Jane,” Maura assures, turning around in Jane’s arms to face her, “none of what is happening and has happened is your fault.”

“I meant you, what did I do to deserve you? I don’t deserve you- wha- why-”

“Jane, you don’t get to decide who I deserve or who I choose to be with but regardless I pick you.” 

“Why?”

Maura takes a deep breath, equally surprised by Jane’s insecurity and her display of it.  _ Why indeed _ . Why does one fall in love, what is it that ultimately draws a person in, how do people become so entwined with another person that they can no longer continue alone? 

“Because you’re my best friend.” 

“That’s it? So if Frankie was your best friend you’d be sleeping with him right now?” 

“No, I think if I didn’t have you I’d be rather alone. It’s no secret that I’ve never had a friend like you before, and I’ve always been open to the idea of dating a woman. I think we compliment each other very well and I’m very grateful for your friendship and devotion to me over the years. No one has stuck by me, looked out for me, protected me or defended me before in the ways you have… I think it’s perfectly natural that our relationship has evolved this way, especially when you take into consideration all that we’ve been through together.”

“You’re too good for me Maur.” Jane confesses. “And I’m not that good, I didn’t stop you from being taken with Harris, or Paddy or-”

Maura stops her doubts, pressing two fingers to her lips, “Shhhh,” she risks, knowing the detective  _ hates  _ to be shushed. Her mother shushes. “Would you like me to tell you all the times you have either saved my life, limbs, or otherwise rescued me in date order, by category, or wound type? And if by wound type, shall I start with physical or emotional?”

“No, none of the above, because I’m not a hero.”

“You are to me.” 

“I- no, Maura, I’m just me and you know I don’t like it when people call me that. A hero wouldn’t have let these sorts of things happen in the first place, a hero would protect his family.”

“The hero did protect her family.” 

“No, I didn’t I-”

“I’m here aren’t I? What do I need to say or do to convince you?” Maura sits up, letting the sheets fall from her body and moving atop Jane. “I’m here, I’m real,  _ this  _ is real, and I don’t want anybody else. No one compares to how you make me feel.”

Jane’s hands come to rest on Maura’s thighs and she stares her, baring her emotional struggle for her to see, “Maura I love you but if you’re trying to seduce me, now is not a good time.” 

“What?” Maura asks, misinterpreting the meaning behind her actions, “Oh, no Jane I wasn’t trying to engage you in sexual intercourse- I suppose I ought to have considered my state of undress-” Maura slides down under the covers, half lying on Jane and resting her head on her chest, “I meant it as a sign of open and complete trust.” she explains, slipping her hand under Jane’s shirt to rest on her stomach. 

Jane naturally holds Maura close and places her hand on top of Maura’s, both keeping it still and sharing in her affection, “Maura.” Jane warns tiredly, closing her eyes.

“Why, are you aroused?”

“That sounds like a trick question.” Jane mumbles, “You're absolutely gorgeous Babe but I'm pouring my heart out here, so, no.”

“Skin to skin contact improves physiologic stability in newborns-” Maura starts to explain her actions.

“-I’m not a baby.” Jane interrupts tiredly. 

“It works in adults too.” Maura continues, “It’s been proven that touching someone, or cuddling, releases dopamine and serotonin which can both boost ones mood  _ and _ help curb depression.” 

“So I’m your anti depressant drug now?” 

“That’s one way to look at it I suppose. Being close to you like this I can feel the release of oxytocin which is in turn lowering my cortisol levels. This has many health benefits including decreased anxiety, reducing high blood pressure, restoration of immune response-”

“Sshhhhh,” Jane whispers, stroking her hair and barely maintaining consciousness, “Okay maybe a little bit.”

“A little bit what?”

“Mmm.” Jane doesn’t want to talk anymore, sleep pulling her away, so she moves Maura’s hand up a fraction by means of an answer.

“Oh.” Maura catches on, “That’s your orbital frontal cortex responding to the Pacinian corpuscles' signals received by the vagus nerve from the pressure stimulation of our physical contact. I’m glad you respond to my physical proximity and touch in this way, did you know that it promotes happier, healthier and stronger relationships?” 

Had Jane been awake she would have asked for Maura to repeat her sentence in layman's english but she no longer heard the sounds of Maura’s sweet voice, her gentle and soothing ministrations having ceased when her conscious mind shut off.

Maura looked up at Jane to confirm her hypothesis, watching her relaxed features for a few quiet seconds before settling down again, glad that Jane was able to sleep even if she wasn’t able to herself just yet. Closing her eyes she focused on the gentle thump of pulsing veins, the rhythmic rise and fall of Jane’s lungs, the warmth of her body and the weight of Jane’s hand on hers. Comforted and feeling safe, Maura relaxes and waits for sleep to claim her too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, I originally hadn't planned to add anything else to this story but then I kinda went through a personal apocalypse, had my entire life uprooted, almost died, and it was a whole drama... Between that, The Feels, and the bunch of messages I got over on ff.net about this, here we are.  
> I can't promise there will be any more and this now feels unfinished, but what's the point in writing if you don't share it right?


End file.
